psalm 13

Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head long enough.
Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers
-Psalm 13


Have been meditating on this for the last few months since Greg read it out at Camp..
This year has been all about processing, with my nervous, immune and respiratory systems all crashing out at various painful points as well as having to face demons with regard to chronic depression and severe panic attacks. Outside of my own battles, there's been my Dad's cancer and so many sadnesses and tragedies for friends.. so much pain for us all. I haven't felt ignored by God, but sometimes I've literally been drowning, clinging onto His grace not knowing how there could be any answers.

Ben Harper's got this song Roses from my Friends..and its unfortunately proven true in the last year, however I am not bitter or resentful towards these people. Its been the challenge to my heart in my brokenness to let go of expectations and let the perfect One pour out wholeness for me.

The stones from my enemies
These wounds will mend
But I cannot survive
The roses from my friends

So when it made no sense at all I still chose to run headlong into His arms, and I'm starting to see that its working out for the best. The mystery of God is that He is big enough to contain all our darkness, all our joy and sorrows. I'm finding Him often in the night when I'm painting some wall, or standing in a club listening to music, or hearing the stillness at 3am and breathing it in..

This furnace of life continues to light up His goodness for me. So I keep yielding to the work of the One greater than I, trusting His love.

"The light and blazing flame that arises within you O glorious Pain and deep Darkness, is His glory, because even the depths of you, Wrenching Agony, belong to the Son - to the One I love. He loved me first, sweet and bloody it may be, but this Victory is mine. At the bottom of this cup of sorrow is Life beyond all I could hope for or even imagine. And as in all seasons there is death that brings change, letting go, laying down. Let this season of loss be a doorway to a fuller expression of His life through me. For the fame of His name. For the fame of His beautiful, great name."