..a penny for gypsy's thoughts..

victory's rose..

2010-08-02T11:06:00.001+12:00

The light and blazing flame that arises within you O glorious Pain and deep Darkness, is His glory,
because even the depths of you, Wrenching Agony, belong to the Son - to the One I love.
He loved me first, sweet and bloody it may be, but this Victory is mine.
At the bottom of this cup of sorrow is Life beyond all I could hope for or even imagine.
And as in all seasons there is death that brings change, letting go, laying down.
Let this season of loss be a doorway to a fuller expression of His life through me.
For the fame of His name. For the fame of His beautiful, great name.

outsider..

2010-07-22T21:45:00.005+12:00

Its about 1030pm, its about time my eyelids surrendered. But I can't stop thinking.
There's a few 'conferences' happening this week, these meetings have been on my mind because they are tied up with my internal wrestling, questions and pain..

I'm tired. I am this far along in the journey, with a hell of a long way to go, in pursuit of this One who keeps calling me on. But I am an outsider.

I used to be really good at the whole conference thing. I could preach, lead, sing and pray with the best. A part of me still longs for the brotherhood of those times. But I got burnt. Ouch. Burnt for the better I reckon. And now if I even go within an inch of these types of meetings, the realisation dawns on me that I am not like these people anymore. I love them. But I am not like them at all.

And what am I like? I think I am getting a handle on why Paul called himself the chief of sinners, the scum of the scum, because the deeper I pursue this One, the more aware I am of my brokenness and weakness, and utter dependency I must have on His grace and truth. He is my Only Way, my Only Truth, my Life.

I can't judge these conferences or the people that go to them, good things happen. If anything I am simply jealous for the companionship they share, but I am an outsider. I don't hold onto being burnt or my past experiences, God's been good to heal me. I just know one thing, that my soul only fits in the wild places.

My Ma was talking today about what happened to Jesus-followers when Emperor Constantine legalised Christianity in the 3rd century. They didn't stick around to live in the comfort, there wasn't any room for that burning kind of faith with persecution and hardship gone. So these people disappeared into the wilderness and became the Desert Fathers and Mothers.

Imagine that? The desert. Flag the wine and cheese, I vote for sand, suffering and certain ugly death. Cheers.

It begs the question tho, if you have any claim to faith, what does your desert look like?

So, back on the topic of modern christianity and its bandwagons.. there's been alot of talk around mission, worship, doing what Jesus wants us to do..

Talk.

Today..all day..with this heavy heart, I have been walking alongside the broken with a few other outsiders. My worship was cradling snotty, cold, crying kids in my arms til they slept, my mission was in feeding the hungry, sitting with the sad and the poor, championing the damaged, tracking awol kids... These aren't just people to help out and do good deeds for. Fuck that. Good deeds don't look remotely like Jesus to me. And talking about doing them looks even less like Him. These beautiful, precious, broken people are family to me.

So I'm not giving myself a high-five for today. This entire journey is a constant revelation of how very little this has to do with me, and how everything revolves around the Son.

All I got is more motivation to hit my knees and get humble. Tomorrow is another day, with more of these faces, more lives to love and learn from, and in the process offer up my hearts cry to find more of this Beautiful One in this desert.

Bless South Aux - the Promised Land.

A Tricycle Conqueror called Trouble

2010-01-12T20:24:00.003+13:00

Ben is a kid who was staying at the same campground as us over the holidays.
Ben is the second youngest in a family of 8. He is 2 years old.
The first time I heard of Ben was when his mother was yelling his name.
Infact she did this quite often in the days that they were camping near us all.
Ben did not look for trouble. He just was.
The first time I saw Ben was with his right arm in cast, pushing his tricycle to the highest point on a very steep hill. Once satisfied he was at the most dangerous point, he launched himself at full speed straight down it on his precarious wheels with his hands above his head, roaring at the top of his little lungs.

He was incredibly stoked with himself.

And I thought to myself with grin, Ben will be one of those people that conquers the world.

seven days+one year+this life - I'm home

2009-12-20T20:48:00.007+13:00

It was a Monday night that I began thinking about this from a cosy, chaotic spot in the Baking Club room, which is a part of my new home in Mangere. Exhaustion had kicked me in the head days ago and a good, red wine would make me anyone's new, best, favourite friend, but in the midst I was contemplating this year in its fullness.

I'm still doing the same from the coast of Northland. The vast hush of the bush, the sea and the sands that stretch out are becoming the soundtrack for my soul here.

Here's my Home is on constant repeat. Even though I am miles away from Auckland right now. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to these songs since the release night, but I've cried every one of those times, my heart gets so stirred up..

Earthly pleasures vainly call me
I would be like Jesus
Nothing wordly shall enthrall me
I would be like Jesus..

So in my reminiscing about this year, I was talking with my Mum who reminded me of that sweet, old hymn 'When I survey the Wondrous Cross'..

When I survey the wondrous cross
on which the Prince of Glory died;
my richest gain I count but loss,
and pour contempt on all my pride.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
save in the death of Christ, my God;
all the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to his blood.

See, from his head, his hands, his feet,
sorrow and love flow mingled down.
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,
or thorns compose so rich a crown.

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
that were an offering far too small;
love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.

We are living in this incredible season of sorrow and love being mingled and poured out. I feel like my life is under the outpouring of this in all its intensity right now.

2009 was all about elimination. That is what suffering does to you. It strips you bare of the good, the bad, the comfortable, any pretenses and vain imaginations. It brings you face to face with raw honesty in your soul. Its that point that you realise you have nothing. Nothing. And that it is ok.

And in the midst of this place, you finally have space to embrace the Wonder that is true Hope.

So, rich was my crown of thorns this year, but it is my determination still to offer my life in 2010 to know the Love, so amazing, so divine, that demands my soul, my life, my all.

I was lost, but now I'm found
Now I know the sweetest sound
Father's love and Hope surround
Here's my Home..

psalm 13

2009-11-03T15:28:00.008+13:00

Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head long enough.
Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers
-Psalm 13

Have been meditating on this for the last few months since Greg read it out at Camp..
This year has been all about processing, with my nervous, immune and respiratory systems all crashing out at various painful points as well as having to face demons with regard to chronic depression and severe panic attacks. Outside of my own battles, there's been my Dad's cancer and so many sadnesses and tragedies for friends.. so much pain for us all. I haven't felt ignored by God, but sometimes I've literally been drowning, clinging onto His grace not knowing how there could be any answers.

Ben Harper's got this song Roses from my Friends..and its unfortunately proven true in the last year, however I am not bitter or resentful towards these people. Its been the challenge to my heart in my brokenness to let go of expectations and let the perfect One pour out wholeness for me.

The stones from my enemies
These wounds will mend
But I cannot survive
The roses from my friends

So when it made no sense at all I still chose to run headlong into His arms, and I'm starting to see that its working out for the best. The mystery of God is that He is big enough to contain all our darkness, all our joy and sorrows. I'm finding Him often in the night when I'm painting some wall, or standing in a club listening to music, or hearing the stillness at 3am and breathing it in..

This furnace of life continues to light up His goodness for me. So I keep yielding to the work of the One greater than I, trusting His love.

"The light and blazing flame that arises within you O glorious Pain and deep Darkness, is His glory, because even the depths of you, Wrenching Agony, belong to the Son - to the One I love. He loved me first, sweet and bloody it may be, but this Victory is mine. At the bottom of this cup of sorrow is Life beyond all I could hope for or even imagine. And as in all seasons there is death that brings change, letting go, laying down. Let this season of loss be a doorway to a fuller expression of His life through me. For the fame of His name. For the fame of His beautiful, great name."

Ray LaMontagne - Empty

2009-10-29T17:52:00.002+13:00

"Well I looked my demons in the eye
laid bare my chest
said do your best
to destroy me

I've been to hell and back
so many times
I must admit
you kinda bore me

There's a lot of things
that can kill a man
there's a lot of ways
to die
yes, and some already did
that walked beside me

There's a lot of things
I don't understand
so many people lie
it's the hurt I hide that fuels
the fire inside me

Will I always feel this way
so empty
so estranged?"

C-bomb..

2009-09-14T12:50:00.000+12:00

So, Dad dropped the C-bomb. He has cancer.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for days and just cannot breathe out.

At first it felt like my world had completely imploded and there was this incredible silence while chaos erupted around me. Now there is pain, so much pain.

Utterly devastated. And yet, so thankful all at the same time. The dark night of my soul just got darker, but this grieving process encourages me to pursue Truth even more. Every day I'm looking at life from a perspective that holds greater colour, the smallest kindnesses are amplified, God's greatness is off-the-scale-amazing.

My Ma talks about the 'dazzling darkness', often people are too afraid of what they don't understand, or naturally run from what is too painful, however there is treasure to be found in these places that we will never find anywhere else.

My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in.

And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. -Ephesians 3v14-19

Its amazing to think that God's love is so great, so all expansive.. yet in reality how will we ever know that there is love and treasure to be found far out in the deserted width, or sunk low in the despair of the deep, but to be flung out into these places on our own and have to find it out for ourselves.

Its taken 28 years, but in the last few months my relationship with my Dad has been so healed. I realise that some people never get the chance to forgive, to love and be thankful.

For all its agony, this season is priceless. A treasure.

God, may this journey of sacred sorrow echo with your worth...

Ultimate Artist - Documentary Series - by Ron Natal

2009-08-02T19:02:00.001+12:00

I really want my next tattoo to be done by this guy..

-art is the language of God

"Ordinary Life":

2009-07-21T12:49:00.001+12:00

Latest from the Smashproof boys - amazing!! Get a look at Aotearoa, our beautiful country..

baking club at tina's..

2009-06-03T14:44:00.000+12:00

latest offerings..

2009-06-03T13:19:00.002+12:00

(above) gypsy loves south aux

(below) Finer's piece

(below) shout out to my boys in construction '08

happi motherz dae..

2009-05-11T18:00:00.001+12:00

I got a bunch of texts yesterday from my hoodrats for Mothers Day. So sweet.
'happi motherz dae..I miss our tawks mum. love u.' said one..

From a kid whose Mum had passed away in sudden and tragic circumstances.
This time last year I was with him and his girlfriend in the day clinic at a local hospital where they had made the decision and informed me at the very last minute that she didn't want to become a Mum, and could I help?? We sat together looking out the window in the waiting room, and I just held their hands. Mercy, comfort..

Amazing the questions these kids ask in situations like that. They weren't afraid of their families finding out or the consequences..they were most terrified of God damning them to hell for all eternity. Ugh.

No, no my darlings. Did they forget to mention in your church that GOD IS LOVE? And you both need to know - God isn't church. We then took some time to imagine what God looked like. Something they had never done before. Open the eyes of our hearts God. While He may or may not have chosen a different path for you both, there is nothing you can do, nothing anyone can say, that can make Him love you less right now. Romans 8 anyone? He's got a plan and He wants to be with you in the midst of this. O yes, in the midst of the mess and the pain.

This beautiful girl went home with hugs to rest and this big, staunch boy collapsed in my car and began to cry. A few tears and sniffs. And then a torrent of gut-wrenching sobs that lasted for twenty minutes. He grabbed my hand, (making it darn impossible to change gears) and all I could do was tell him over and over - You are loved son, SO loved. This God that you have heard about knows you inside out, He knows your pain. He contains it all. He's not far away, He's in the middle of all this. He's safe, He's your safe place. He'll never abandon you son. And you are loved, He loves you, He loves you..

I hugged him before he went home. Tears that just wouldn't stop, big choking sobs. Please don't leave me miss, you're like my Mum, please don't leave me, please don't leave me..

It was Mothers Day that Sunday. He spent the time at his Mum's grave.

I can't imagine what it is like to be in his shoes, shunted from house to house, relative to random and for a while being homeless..missing family and his Mum, then having to face becoming a parent and then dealing with choosing not to be. Carrying burdens he's too young to shoulder, dealing with anger, self-harm and substance abuse...

A few weeks later he was kicked out of another relative's house and onto the street with nothing. I get a call at 10pm for some blankets and food. Sweet Jesus - just come home son. He tells me there was huge fight after he stood his ground and refused to go to church with these people.

And why? "Oh - that church doesn't talk about the God you told me about miss. He loves me aye. I don't want to waste time in a place that doesn't believe that.."

So to all my lil' ladies and my son's. You are loved something crazy you beautiful souls.

And thanks to my Mum for demonstrating what it means to be a vessel of complete, unconditional (tough) love. It costs. It hurts. But still we love.

Because we were loved first by an amazing God.

Happi motherz dae..

lest we forget..

2009-04-24T15:32:00.004+12:00

On the eve of my birthday I've gotten quite philosophical and I think that the previous year is definitely worth getting over as soon as possible. I've spent the last few months laying low with chronic illness, sleeping and praying away my days and nights. I think I have a small idea now why some of the ancient hermits might have become quite wierd and eccentric when they only had their own company and the presence of God. Its been an interesting experience being alone so much.

So much has been broken down and I feel like I am in a chrysalis of change. I sure hope I can like myself at the end of all this. All the things that I held fast to or relied on have been stripped away. I'm constantly reminded of my bare heartbeat that just keeps crying out for faith and God. This place is like a furnace, all I can hold in the fire is my hearts desire to know who Jesus is, without religious trappings, without fearing other people, without being held back.

I've also thought about what tomorrow means. ANZAC day. Red poppies. Gallipoli. Flanders field. My grandfather's and their father's fought in the wars. One that is still alive is a decorated pilot, survived being a POW by escaping successfully and walking the length of France to get to England. These men suffered, sacrificed, kept their word and were loyal. In the face of such a ferocious enemy they had hope for change and for freedom, even when the end wasn't in sight, even when the odds of death were weighing in more than the likelihood of life. They must have had some vision of the future to hold onto because out of their faith and courage, evil was overturned and freedom was established.

I guess we all have our own battles to fight and get through. Its with hope that I can say this uncomfortable season of transition is going to yield something wonderful one day. Its hard when we can't see the end in sight, but I want to follow through seeking God out. I know He will follow through for me, He's done it before. He remembers and He cares. So its with that in mind I will enter my next year with praise in my heart.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your sins (damage and brokeness)
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed our brokeness and damage from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him;
For He knows our frame, He remembers and imprints on His heart
that we are like dust.
-Psalm 103

So lest we forget what and who has gone before us. Lest we forget what our hearts have promised and believed. Lest we forget what God has given to us.

O this is the start of something good
don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
We can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet..
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I'm holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
-Gavin Degraw

Kings of Leon - Use Somebody

2009-03-26T22:45:00.001+13:00

Happy St Paddy's..

2009-03-17T17:15:00.001+13:00

treat yourself to a lil' story...

Bradley Hathaway is my hero..

2009-02-01T18:46:00.001+13:00

O.my.word. I literally just woke up when this guy started speaking in front of me this morning..

so close your eyes and listen.

You know you need one..

mari-lou - O how we love you!! (part II)

2009-01-29T11:53:00.004+13:00

Halle-freakin-lujah!

Our dear Mari-lou is cancer-FREE!!!!!

stoked.

Citylights - Waitangi Weekend '09

2009-01-28T16:47:00.005+13:00

Never been to Citylights??

Lots of people are buzzing out about social justice right now, its not a new movement tho..God's been walking out this kind of activism in our world since it began. We're just aware of our precious Auckland community and want to be a part of what He is doing in it. So if you want to put some arms and legs on your prayers and all that talking then roll your sleeves up and get rego'd, its gonna be wild.

"City Lights is about loving neighbours and taking ownership of deserted places. About privileged insiders dropping walls, and reaching out to the excluded. About providing a context for churches city-wide to work in unity.... and it all grew out a café get-together with a few key people with the right networks.

At its heart, City Lights expresses a simple truth; You don’t have to go to Asia or Africa to be of service. Just respond to the needs in your local community.

It was just a few friends getting together and saying to one another ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we could do something?”

They had just recently been instrumental in setting up a safe-home for young women and were amazed at the willingness of people to give their time and efforts to a worthwhile cause. After this experience, these friends sat down over a coffee and asked the simple question, “What’s next?”

And so City Lights began in the summer of 2006 as a call to the Church in Auckland to make themselves available to serve the poor and marginalised of their city. City Lights gives Christians the opportunity to live out the songs they sing about their faith. By combining action with worship we are bringing summer to the perpetual winter of peoples’ poverty.

There are so many people who in their hearts and thoughts desire to reach out in some form to help those in need, but don’t know how to take the initial step. Over the past three years, nearly 1000 young people have volunteered their time, resource and talent to demonstrate love to forgotten people and places of Auckland, all because City Lights has created the connection points for them to do so.

And so City Lights began in the summer of 2006 as a call to the Church in Auckland to make themselves available to serve the poor and marginalised of their city. City Lights gives Christians the opportunity to live out the songs they sing about their faith. By combining action with worship we are bringing summer to the perpetual winter of peoples’ poverty.

There are so many people who in their hearts and thoughts desire to reach out in some form to help those in need, but don’t know how to take the initial step. Over the past three years, nearly 1000 young people have volunteered their time, resource and talent to demonstrate love to forgotten people and places of Auckland, all because City Lights has created the connection points for them to do so."

CityLights is a great place to kick-start a reformation in your lifestyle, walking out the heart of this movement has become a part of my daily life. I challenge you to think about how capturing this Spirit can be a part of your life too.

Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, in whose heart is Your journey. Passing through the Valley of Weeping they make it a place of springs; the early rain also fills it with blessings.. -Psalm 84

For I will leave in the midst of you a people afflicted and poor, and they shall trust, seek refuge, and be confident in the name of the Lord. The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Saviour! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest and in His love He will be silent and make no mention of past sins or even recall them; He will exult over you with singing. Behold, at that time I will deal with all those who afflict you; I will save the limping ones, and gather the outcasts and will make them a praise and a name in every land of their shame. At that time I will bring you in; yes at that time I will gather you, for I will make you a name and a praise among all the nations of the earth when I reverse your captivity before your eyes, says the Lord.. - Zephaniah 3

brotographers pics - enjoy!

2009-01-22T11:14:00.003+13:00

this champion dude Rimoni came and took some flash pics back at the art show in August last year..

check out his blog..

bet you can't guess which ones are my pieces ;-)

PS. broski, teens..you guys are famous - black & white famous.

SMASH PROOF [FEAT GIN] - BROTHER

2009-01-13T15:22:00.001+13:00

the latest from the crew..

you, me and Gaza baby..

2009-01-11T11:30:00.004+13:00

kia ora whanau!
isn't it just wonderful to be able to leave the shitter that was 2008 behind??
congrats on arriving in 2009..!

Settle on in with your hot chocolate, herbal tea, fair-trade coffee or bottle of wine..this is a bit of a read..

I don't know about you, but there are things that I hold in my heart for this year that I know are far beyond my ability, yet well within the bounds of the miraculous and sovereign. The last few years I have seen the raw, daily reality of the streets, and I suspect there is more of that to come. I also saw unexplainable wonders. I have crazy hope in my heart that the divine will continue to intervene with the natural. Miracles do happen. Everyday. Big, small. They happen because there is more to life than just living for ourselves, they happen to remind us that there is a bigger framework out there. They happen so we can peer through these windows in time and see God's heart..

I want to see more of His heart expressions and understand more of who He is..

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly.. - Philippians 3

..and to really know Him is tied up with contentious global issues right now.

Over my recent new years travels I had an intense discussion with someone whom I respect much and listened to their well thought out and very agreeable opinions on how "bought" the world media is and how biased the reports we see and hear are..yet a few days later this same dear soul was reading the articles about terror in Gaza from our national paper - out loud - like they were gospel..

With horror I realised that I could so easily form my intellectual and heart response based on what was written on that page..so this 'gospel' was written by whom? for a paper that is owned by who? for a company that has values and beliefs that are dictated by who?? and who exactly has shares and investments in these media companies??? And what exactly is their bias?

Oh how the objective is so subjective..

I am very grateful for my ill experiences with one part of the institutionalised church, with a megalomaniac for a pastor, it just taught me to think twice. I like to call this discernment - perhaps others would just call me critical and cynical - but I just cannot take anything for face value on weighty issues. I cannot be 'told' and just accept what I have been 'told', however charismatic and emotional the 'telling' is. My long-suffering mother will say that I continually asked 'why' when I was small. Bless. I just have an obsession to dig for truth..because I cannot stomach anything less.

And so it is with this particular conflict. Why is Israel important?
So many of my good friends are asking why they should even give a damn about it all. Good point.

Go here if you need a quick history lesson to get your bearings..

I think its a crucial question of identity. Big, fat, fundamental issue if we want to fully know who we are in God, if we want to see the bigger picture of Christ - we have to look at the history of this man and the history of this nation, who for better or worse illustrate God's relationship and heart connection with humanity. Romans 11 is a good place to start if you are unsure of the link between our church environment and this land.

For me it simply comes back to a pivotal point of faith. Our incredible God who does nothing without intricate intent, purposed that His Son would walk this earth. So Jesus was born in Israel, He was Jewish for a reason. (A really BIG fact that large factions of the church in Europe seemingly 'missed' in their support of the Nazi regime in WWII. Another tangent entirely, but it bears thinking about in our current global-church situation). This is not to say that the Jewish people are just uber-more important than the rest of the world, but the story of God in their midst did not stop at the end of John's writings in Revelation. This nation and its events should be watched by those of us who care to know more about this God-Man that we pursue. We are missing so much of our faith by sitting in the comfort of our western church bubble.

In order to understand our Messiah, who we are and our destiny, we must understand Him in His fullness - that is as a Jewish carpenter, King, Son of God, Israelite...

Heritage and ancestry are not emphasised in our culture or our churches, but it is everywhere in the bible - geneologies of who begat whom, and even the first part of the gospels is taken up with Jesus' family history. The church is not a modern, replacement of Israel. Infact, 'replacement theology' is convenient farce that the enemy birthed in anti-semitism and is now embraced by many a church pulpit. Its ugly and needs to be consciously uprooted from our lives. As an interesting sidenote - here's some particularly juicy pics along with an interesting article for those who like to know who is friends with who behind the smokescreens of history..

Just noting that I am not anti-arabic nor am I shaking my fists at Islam. I have been to Israel and seen and experienced some things firsthand. What people at this end of the world fail to understand about the military in Israel is that they do not act out of intense and erratic emotion, their aim has always been to protect their land and its people.

The media brush is busy painting this picture of racial and religious hatred. Israel the bully. Israel the who? It is not even remotely logical for a country of their size to just pick a fight and start blazing guns and bombs simply over an area of racial and religious madness. Particularly when surrounded by very large, very hostile nations - who have nuclear power under their belts. The point is that Israeli's have lived in a state of extreme tension for years, the military motivation for action now is not with a racial or religious bias, it is simply to stop the destruction of their land. The Gaza area is riddled with terrorist cells, tunnels and weapon caches along with generous doses of un-hinged religious extremism to fuel the fires. It is also home to the poor. Try being an arab-christian in a mostly, fundamentally Islamic area, yet another story - but thats hardship in a nutshell. All in all Gaza is a volatile hot-bed laden with thousands of wicks lit and burning. Something to contemplate when next reading or watching the news.

A few facts to wrap your swede around about whose land it is. Helpful indeed.

Lets step back for a moment and look at the bigger picture - in one corner we have the splashings of the current war that is raging with all the media trappings, in another area we have the history of the Body of Christ and our faith, overlapping that is our identity in Christ and seeing the fullness of who He is on a personal level and a corporate Body level, and then in a tiny corner are the weavings of our daily life, hopes and dreams. All of these things have the thread of Christ's story running through them. Linked. The framework of our existence and divine purpose is bigger than we acknowledge in our day-to-day lives.

The parallel in the church is that this is just a religious issue. Religion narrows the picture down and it crumbles into excuses for us to hold onto, dusty excuses to ignore or not engage how important this actually is to our christianity. Excuses that allow us to remain on the fence. Excuses that say, Enough already - this small country and the issues surrounding it are all so messy, its all too hard to get my head around etc..etc..etc..

Complacency is for losers. Jesus was not politically correct, and nor can we afford to be when we've chosen to pursue Him.

In seeking out the fullness of Christ I find myself holding onto my memories of this land. I can't ignore that in these times our faith is so connected to what was birthed thousands of years ago in Israel. Its not about a people group versus another people group. Or one religion opposed to another. Its about the story of this God-Man that is such a mystery and the force that continues to rise up to attack and nullify His life and its meaning. A battle of a different kind. That is simply why we as the western church should hurry up and get our heads out of our arses to take note of whats going on in the Middle East. It plainly affects the story of God that continues on and trickles down into our daily life. How's the coffee?

What can come out of this all? Plenty to contemplate and meditate on, plenty to be aware of.
I still hold in my heart hope for the miraculous and in order to pursue more of this God-Man I must know Him in His fullness. And with increasing awareness, I can only ask for wisdom in my actions.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: "May those who love you be secure."

May there be peace within your walls
and security within your citadels."

For the sake of my brothers and friends,
I will say, "Peace be within you."

For the sake of the house of the LORD our God,
I will seek your prosperity. - Psalm 122v6-9

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection, which it exerts over believers, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed, in spirit into His likeness even to His death, in the hope, that if possible I may attain to the resurrection that lifts me out from among the dead. - Philippians 3v7-11

O Come Emmanuel...

2008-12-24T23:45:00.001+13:00

Christmas.. its awful and obvious that Christ has been royally squeezed and trampled right out of this season by all the commercial consumerism..don't even get me started on Santa..!!? There is nothing exciting about a big, fat, old man in a red suit that beckons his finger at small children with a positively paedophilic gleam in his eye. Not to mention a few zealous hearts I've encountered that are boycotting Christmas on the basis that emperor Constantine renamed a pagan holiday as the new celebration date for Christ's birth.. O - the controversy!!

So..Who do you say I AM?

So I've found myself seeking out moments..much like this current one nearing on midnight Christmas Eve..candles are lit and I'm listening to my favourite carols..these words remind me of my thankfulness - overwhelming thankfulness that God sent His Son. This mystery. This God-Man. I don't care if its the wrong date, I don't care about the shopping madness and jingle bells..I simply choose to celebrate this holy moment.

So..Who do you say I AM?

Christmas this year is almost like a survival party for making it alive through 2008. It means that I won't be getting all my wants or wishes granted, I'm not even sure what lots of those are anymore. I've been stripped and shaken bare in the last 12 months, like so many others. There is precious little that I do still know - but my heart is ever more certain in its pursuit of this Man, and right at this moment crying out in grateful celebration..

He came for us, He came for us - yet while we were and are still sinners, while we wallow in our ignorance, while we continue in our selfishness - He came for us. In utter humility - the lowest to reveal the wonders of the I AM..

And somewhere around us all on this eve, He breathes out - WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born;
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!
O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,
Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friends.
He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!
Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains He shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,
His power and glory ever more proclaim!
His power and glory ever more proclaim!

*****

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse,
free Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

bless true love

2008-12-10T23:30:00.001+13:00

In the days of war, in our grandparents and great-grandparents era, love was promised and given time and again in moments and situations the world over where lovers did not have a certainty of forever. In this season of tumult, a young man named Ian, who had a few adventures under his belt, met a local beauty named Jacqui and they began the journey of a lifetime. They were my grandparents. I've never known anyone so in love, so committed and passionately smitten - even into their 70's.

Their romance was a lifetime adventure, their love soldered and welded, bound by faith and passion. It kept them young. They were crazy about each other.

The Sunday my Gran went to be with Jesus I remember seeing them walking out of church together, holding hands, Grandad leaning down to give Gran a big kiss on the lips. She was smiling like a schoolgirl. She had a stroke that night. She didn't recover conciousness, but she never did anything without Grandad, so she held on until he said she could go, at which point she came round enough to blow him a kiss and then breathe her last. Love is miraculous.

He was not the same man. It was like watching someone lose a limb. Who knows how many times he snuck off to her sit by her grave for hours with a small bouquet of forget-me-nots. It was close to a year later that he followed on. In amongst his bible and journal, my Mum and Aunties found letters, letters tucked away in spaces written to his one true love, and this poem..

They say memories are golden,

Well, maybe that is true;

I never wanted memories,

I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried;

If love alone could save you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still,

In my heart you hold a place,

No one could ever fill.

But now I know you want me,

To mourn for you no more

To remember the happy times

Life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten

I pledge to you today;

A hallowed place within my heart

Is always where you'll stay.

If tears could build a stairway

And heartache make a lane;

I'd walk the path to heaven

And bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,

And nothing seems the same;

But as God calls us one by one,

The chain will link again.

(Rev. 21:4a "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or crying or pain...")

God Bless true love.

ode to the hoodrats who kissed my heart..

2008-11-24T13:51:00.008+13:00

grief. loss. bittersweet companions of sacrifical love.

I started my journey this year in pain, knowing that would not get any easier. A knowledge that made my flesh cold with apprehension. Its like knowing that you're about to lose a vital organ - it could be avoided for comforts sake - but you launch into going past the point of return for some insane reason anyway - the very same reason that compels us to live for something greater than ourselves. Dear God.

I'm not good at dealing with grief - I am an expert in denial, but getting better at letting go.

The intensity of all that has happened in my time at this school I've worked at has been unreal. Definitely fraught with volatilty and dangerous moments, plenty of raw reality and truth that gave comfortable, nice religion a fat, proverbial middle finger. There were so many events that can only be described as miracles - where the divine literally intercepted the natural and it was unable to be rationalised by any bystander. What a priviledge to be a part of God's stirring in that place.

The mute spoke, the hardened hearts broke and wept, the lost found safety, the angry and violent found peace, the hungry were fed, the disturbed became gentle, gang members fell in love with Jesus, worship and prayer resounded in the hearts and halls..and I was humbled, broken and destined to never be the same..

and like everything in this world, it was not without contesting, which eventually took its toll. I've got some time to rest at present, catch my breath and get my health back into balance. This means no work. Just the necessary time to heal.

This whole journey started when a young woman was stuck in rush hour traffic on the motorway on her way to a very comfortable corporate job..and she prayed a simple prayer..just a lil' one - "God, I love my art and I want to help young people who struggle with life, I don't know how you could put those two together and then add some money to the mix, but if you're up for the challenge - then so am I". It turns out that six months later God was indeed up for the challenge..

This is my testimony of thankfulness to God's faithfulness. I got to love like I've never loved before, and then continue to love these young people like they were my own for these last few years. Thats grace. Grace still gives a shit when you've been disrespected, abused and spat at. Grace is not my name - it was God's gift to me, and without it I would have left long ago.

I've cried, laughed, learned so much, been royally pissed off and really lived life in this place. It tore my heart out to say good bye, I think that was the vital organ.. I was given as much as I gave, I got my first 'mother's day' card (on father's day) this year and in that moment I grasped just a glimpse of God's heart for us all. I was given this amazing opportunity to LOVE 1600 lives, but there are more out there..I still see my kids in the streets, I still hug them. But now I see their stories were just the beginning of a much bigger one..

so I now sit at the top of my mountain in my backyard and look out over the south side..

God gives. He takes away.
I have nothing, and am nothing, just willing.

see I've got this lil' prayer starting to burn in my heart again..there's more than this..and I'm pretty sure that God's up for the challenge..

'You're dangerous. If you are anything like what Jesus looks like, I could almost believe because of your passion. You love Him so much don't you?" - J. Kenny - Mad Irishman with an obscene passion for whiskey, and an even greater passion for communism and education.

mari-lou...O how we love you!

2008-08-27T11:40:00.003+12:00

I shared my first graff piece in honour of this beautiful woman who boldly pioneered alongside others and carved a path for social justice and activism in our community. Now my dear friend is on the other side of the world being treated for cancer. Please pray. Abba knows her journey.

I watched another dear friend of mine and fellow pioneer of Mari's step out and share to a crowded church on Sunday night, and in mentioning this situation she couldn't help but stop and let the tears fall. Why God? I was enraged when I first heard the news that Mari was so sick. Why does God allow shit to happen to good people? Especially ones like this, who are so dedicated to living for more than themselves. I've been consumed with grief and I know others have too..but always there is hope that something marvellous and amazing will be born from such a dark time. The world has yet to see what will come from this life.

I listened to a wise man today and he said that we were born to be worshippers of God, to cry out in praise to Him, and there will always be hardship and trials, pain and suffering so that worship can become a choice, and when we choose to worship inspite of our agonies we find what it means to cry out to Him in spirit and in truth, and in walking in fellowship with His sufferings and His glories then we come to know Him better. And what a prize and immeasureable treasure that is!

So for my beloved sister I continually cry out to God, proclaiming His greatness and goodness, asking Him to display His splendour in the midst of this trial for her. For His peace to reign and be poured out over her life and body. For His tenderness to be felt in every heartbeat and His nearness in every breath. And for grace..grace..grace to walk this path in the dark night of her soul.

gypsy's been playin' with cans..

2008-08-19T11:25:00.001+12:00

come along to my show peeps! It's gonna be fun..

a treasure undiminished..

2008-08-10T22:10:00.003+12:00

Its a definite season of strain in our fair land..dark clouds and birds of prey circling over the vulnerability of what God is starting to open and stir up in the hearts of general kiwi folk. Its a good time to be on our knee's..I marvel with sick astonishment at the whirlwind of 'new' organisations, authoritative opinions, good ideas, and efforts begun with man's best blind intentions (and hopes of fame and glory) that are springing up all around. There are too many labels with so many poor people attaching their names in lights to the latest and greatest ideas. I just want to hide. I think it would be safer to head for gang-land in south side with my spray cans and paint my heart out..or even trek to the depths of the Urewera's and take up residence with Tama's crew under their sovereign rule - hoping that I don't get eaten in the process ;-) Whilst ambition and agenda are screaming loudly everywhere, I have to look at first silencing those things in myself before getting merrily pissed off and judgemental. Its too dangerous to be standing anywhere without brokenness and humility right now..and no one can ever be humble enough. I'm weary of all this clanging and noise..there's not enough that rings with the truth I hunger for. So what to do..

pray.

I love my generation for all the energy and madness and passion we have, but we must go deeper in our quest to find truth and pursue this beautiful Man. We are intelligent and intuitive, so quick to grasp so much, we can strategise and charismatically market so well..we are so blessed..but we have to dig deeper. It amazes me how patience is so obscene. We don't wait for anything these days. We have to learn how. Discipline - another offensive word (less offensive than patience, but possibly still in the top ten) - is so necessary but lacking. So how the hell do we pray when we can't be still?

This is one simple and effective practise..

Breathe.

Slowly.

God.

Hold that thought for a full five minutes in whatever way you can. I paint pictures in my head with scriptures that describe Him..His greatness..beauty..majesty..intimacy..

Then think about a situation in your family, community, city, nation or somewhere and simply pour your scriptures, God's greatness, beauty, majesty..over and over it..

We are engaging our natural world all the time, but its time to be determined to engage our spirits with the supernatural. Its hard to change gear. Life is hard and busy and we forget about prayer, or don't understand it, or feel guilty for all the above. God never meant communing with Him to be complicated or boring and undesirable. Everywhere I go, at work, or on the street, or in my room, I'm trying to change gear and commune with Him. Its not about striving or having the right words, or having life perfect. Just pray and breathe, breathe and pray. Why? Because its the key to seeing situations change, its the key to freedom and hope being released in whatever big or small form, its the only way to find the heart of this beautiful Man, Jesus, and the more I commune, the more my desire for Him increases..

The potency of prayer has subdued the strength of fire, it has bridled the rage of lions, hushed anarchy to rest, extinguished wars, appeased the elements, expelled demons, burst the chains of death, expanded the gates of heaven, assuaged diseases, repelled frauds, rescued cities from destruction, stayed the sun in its course, and arrested the progress of the thunderbolt. Prayer is an all-efficient panoply, a treasure undiminished, a mine which is never exhausted, a sky unobscured by clouds, a heaven unruffled by storm. It is the root, the fountain, the mother of a thousand blessings. - St Chrysostom

The church is looking for better methods; God is looking for better men and women. What the church needs today is not more machinery or better, not new organisations or more and novel methods, but men and women whom the Holy Spirit can use - men and women of prayer, mighty in prayer. The Holy Spirit does not flow through methods, but through people. He does not come on machinery, but on men and women. He does not anoint plans, but men and women - people of prayer. - E.M. Bounds

We care not for your splendid abilities as a minister, or your natural endowment as an orator before men. We are sure that the truth of the matter is this: No one will or can command success and become a real praying soul unless intense application is the price. I am now even convinced that the difference between the saints that have gone before us, and ourselves is energy, perseverance, invincible determination to succeed or die in the attempt, God help us. - Homer W. Hodge

A certain preacher whose sermons converted many souls received a revelation from God that it was not his sermons or works by all means but the prayers of an illiterate lay brother who sat on the pulpit steps pleading for the success of the sermon. It may be in the all-revealing day so with us. We may believe after labouring long and wearily, that all honour belongs to another builder whose prayers were gold, silver and precious stones, while our sermonisings being apart from prayer are but hay and stubble. - Charles Haddon Spurgeon

I AM..

2008-08-07T19:00:00.000+12:00

I am all your scattered thoughts

collected
Your wanderings, longings
forgotten
silent desires, gathered
I am your mystery
just out of reach
just for the wanting
I am that surrender
that ecstasy of alonement
one moment
suspended in the course of time
I am that brilliant colour
hidden in shadow
beneath your heart and its brokenness
hope for the despair in your hands
So seek me out,
remember my kiss, and the truth that binds
your heart to mine
I am your wholeness
I loved you first, with a wild love
aflame with jealousy
and in your distance, and in your nearness
I am yours, as in all these things
You are mine
I am yours
Beloved, I AM.

first piece..

2008-08-05T18:35:00.001+12:00

cry from the desert...

2008-08-03T18:40:00.000+12:00

Its been a while..but I'm coming out of the deep..or maybe just beginning to see a bit more clearly in the midst of it..

In recent months I have been stumbling in a whirlwind of change, battling severe depression, crisis after crisis (who isn't these days), but I have held in my heart a simple determination that my brokenness and vulnerability will serve a greater purpose. I think alot about the lives of some of the monks and saints who have gone before us..thinking about the hermits who lived out in the desert seeking God. Pondering on how painfully sacrificial and hard a lifestyle like that would have been like, certainly not romantic. A while ago out of my wonderings I began to pray.. God give me the deserts that I might cry out and yearn for your coming return.. thinking He might eventually move me to some foreign outpost in the middle of nowhere to seek Him out.. not realising that God had already answered my prayer. He has given me the school and the community I work and live in.

So here I am in the midst of all these young people, in this desert of poverty and oppression, gangs and drugs, rebellion and lawlessness, violence and broken families. There is so much to cry out for. And this palagi/pakeha girl has never felt more at home - simply because I see Jesus in this desert. I have an insatiable longing for hope and love to be poured out into these precious lives..and miracles are happening.

A good friend of mine was talking the other week about motivation for people in social activism and the fields of work that we are in, some work out of their own damage and their need to be healed, some work out of just wanting to do good deeds - the best of intentions, but they don't last long, others out of their deep insecurities and need to be needed. In these types of situations, it makes you wonder who you are leading people to if Jesus is not the central focus. I am very, very certain that I am not the Saviour. The flesh is taking a good hammering right now (praise Him!), so even with the best of intentions, our under-lying motivations need to prodded and dealt to - for Christ's sake and for the people's sake.

I think of the disciples when they met the crippled man begging by the temple gate, and they told him they didn't have silver or gold, but what they did have they would freely give him. As they helped him to his feet, he got healed and he lept and danced, praising God! Isn't that we long for? To reach out our hands for others to find their healing and for them to forget our faces and remember God's touch on their lives..

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. - Isaiah 58

So the desert is littered with heart ache - but I have hope while I hold hands and cry and pray with scared kids in the abortion clinic, while I stand on the streets with young gangster's and paint murals, while I'm in my office handing out extra lunches to feed the starving, or giving shoes to the ones who have nothing for winter, or holding the arms of a boy covered in scars and slashed with wounds of self-harm.

There are miracles happening..everywhere..everyday..and they simply wouldn't be happening without the pain. Philippians talks about knowing Christ in the fellowship of his sufferings and the power of His resurrection - we'll never truly know one without the other.

I don't have to talk about church or preach out of a tract to these kids, I simply walk a journey with them, I am not the answer or the cure - just simply a signpost for their path. There is no invisible line they have to cross to get "saved" that then gives me permission to pray with them or share God. I believe that there is a part of every one of them searching to find a connection with Jesus, however big or small, and so we pray together and talk about God together because its the most natural thing in the world.

Their encounters with God are all about His love - however generous or tough it may seem. Their awareness of Him is ever-increasing and such a reminder to me that the process of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection was not neat and tidy, I imagine it was violent, raw and painful and yet so incredible all at once. I am forced to pursue and embrace truth everyday, simply because their bullshit radars are so acutely tuned in - awesome. Salvation is a process and its being out worked in the midst of the deep, darkness of my community amongst these lives. One by one they are being snatched from the fire, and its a priviledge to watch. I wouldn't trade any of these moments for an easier life.

So perhaps one day God might take me to some foreign outpost to pray, but wherever I am I want to continually cry out for Him to come.

Come Lord Jesus, walk amongst us..

He reo no tetahi e karanga ana, whakapaia e koutou i te koraha te huarahi O Ihowa, whakatikaiate titohea he ara nui mo to tatou Atua... - Isaiah 40v3

my hood..

2008-05-24T17:24:00.001+12:00

reflections on the midnight hour..

2007-12-23T19:19:00.000+13:00

Its all about the sunshine today which is a good place to have reached for the end of the year. My bro has made it home for Christmas from the back waters and surf of Indonesia, having been gone for two years - it’s the best seeing his face again and hearing the crazy stories from the US to Switzerland, Spain, France, UK, Morocco and Indo!

My own journey has been a troubled one since that day in August when I encountered that face from my past at Piha. Troubled not necessarily being a bad thing, long ago the angel of the Lord used to ‘trouble and stir up’ the waters at a healing pool for the afflicted to bathe in, and so it has been for my soul. The rawness of that day helped close the door on some things, and yet it spun me out into an ocean of God’s stirring.

I was listening to my dear friend Em a few weeks ago, and in her reflection she asked, why are people more willing to defend their fears than they are willing to defend the truth? Its never easy to have to face what hurts the most, we are pretty good at numbing that pain or fear with a thousand temporary and convenient things in our lifestyle all for the sake of comfort and fears because they are familiar; and yet Jesus is all about unmasking it and granting us the crown of an overcomer. So in the moment of asking the question Em had forced me to look deep into the darkness – all for the best. Truth demands that we look at all of our good, bad and very ugly parts of our lives and own it all, it asks for repentance, it will push you to stare fear, rage, rebellion in the eye, it will never compromise. It is the place of crucifixion, it means death and life all at the same time. Truth goes hand in hand with freedom. So I chose to embrace truth for this journey – and I discovered that what God's truth demands, His grace will supply.

Behold, You desire truth in my inmost being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart. - Psalm 51

Jesus is relentless in His pursuit of our hearts. He is unceasingly committed to our journey to freedom. Its the process of salvation being outworked. Its relationship - taking away the veils and mist that separate us from seeing Him face to face. That is why the most painful, or shameful, or unbearable parts of us are the first things He leans on. I'm pretty good at running away or building walls and defences, but He started disarming me a long time ago and in His mercy He is granting me freedom to walk in the fullness of life, to be able to simply do what I was born for and do it well in brokenness. There's no easy way - but the best way is simply pursuit of Him. He's the way through it all, He's the truth in the midst, and He's the life we long for. Mic Duncan says that our healing is for the benefit of others, and that is the greatest encouragement of this entire process.

I was walking to work the other day, listening to some old school Commitments when I felt the light go on in my heart. 'I'm gonna wait til the midnight hour, thats when my love comes tumbling down.."
Its been quite a season in my life, and its been the same on a much larger scale for our small land in recent months. Terrorism, mass illegal weapons, dawn raids - terms we associate with places far from here and with people more radically unhinged than the typical kiwi stereotype of the laid back farmer and his missus in their best gumboots and swannies at the pub for pint on a Friday night. And so it is at the end of the year, the Tuhoe have had their hikoi to Wellington, the Uruwera 16 have been shunted through the legal system, parliament has rushed through its scary terrorism bill and then there was (and is) the electoral finance debacle, Tama Iti is back on his marae and painting pictures..and the rest of the country is disturbed with the mass campaign and loud opinions alerting us to the breaches of our civil liberties and the rapid decline in the government's democratic processes...

There is plenty of uncertainty with the approaching new year, but the song reminded me that there are no surprises that as the light begins to shine brighter, the night will get darker. Its a good time to be listening and pursuing truth. Its a good time to have oil for our lamps (Matthew 25). Its a good time to know that there is One who desires freedom for us even more than we do. Its good to know that in the depths of night we will find the hope of our hearts. I think its the season of the midnight hour, and His great love is more abundant and more evident than ever.

Ka rongo ahau ki te wero nei ki te karanga hoki o te Wairua
Me mate tatou i tenei oranga nana e pu mai e tona Wairua e ha ana ki enei wheua maroke kia ora ai ake i tona mana Ka mate ka mate ki te oranga tonu ka mate ka mate ki te oranga tonu i a Ihu e
I hear the challenge and the call of the Spirit
we must lay down our lives
He will blow on us with His Spirit and breathe on these dry bones that we might be raised up in His glory.. (Cindy Ruakere)

Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

2007-10-08T21:35:00.001+13:00

sometimes when I freestyle I lose confidence...

Flight of the Conchords- Business Time

2007-10-08T21:31:00.001+13:00

Classic kiwi humour..ohh yeah.

the powerless ghost of the pretender..

2007-09-27T20:30:00.000+12:00

The west coast is a safe place for me, my soul finds refuge in the wild seas and black sand. Its along these shores that God has allowed liberty to be carved out in my journey, the wind and the rain have washed away and emptied me of much pain, the sun - sometimes fiercely, has warmed my soul back to life. These significant moments have continued to turn over and over, establishing freedom, building hope..

I love the sea and have always been a water baby, but when I was small I was afraid to put my head under the water. It would take a lot of coaxing, usually from my Dad to convince me I was safe. I think of this, because it reminds of where I'm at right now. I've been treading water in some areas of life, in desperation to just keep my head up, ignoring the fact that there are a few sharks in the water, so to speak. There has been a slow process of shadows and anxiety building around me and now its all come crashing down. All for the best. And I want to share some of this because it marks a milestone in the journey. I've spent a few months having difficulty breathing, stress and attacks of panic at unexpected moments, and being the stubborn mule that I am at times, I've written off the warning signs as emotional stress or pressure - which are just give-ins for the situations I face on a daily basis - I've then brazenly carried on pushing the limits. These are the moments that I think God shakes His head at, I'm glad He is patient and kind, when the gift of hindsight has me screaming - idiot! at myself. Perhaps God allows us to fall upon His rock sometimes so we are aware that He is greater, and when everything is broken there isn't anything like strongholds or fear to hold us anymore. We are simply in the potter's hand.

I've been meditating for a while..

..In the path of Your judgments, O Lord, we wait expectantly for You; our heartfelt desire is for Your name and for the remembrance of You.
My soul yearns for You O Lord in the night, yes, my spirit within me seeks You earnestly; for only when Your judgments are in the earth will the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

Though favour is shown to the wicked, yet they do not learn righteousness; in the land of uprightness they deal perversely and refuse to see the majesty of the Lord.

Though Your hand is lifted high to strike, Lord, they do not see it. Let them see Your zeal for Your people and be ashamed; yes, let the fire reserved for Your enemies consume them.
Lord, You will ordain peace for us, for You have also wrought in us and for us all our work. O Lord, our God, other masters besides You have ruled over us, but we will acknowledge and mention Your name only. They, the former tyrant masters are dead, they shall not live and reappear; they are powerless ghosts, they shall not rise and come back. Therefore You have visited and made an end of them, and caused every memory of them, every trace of their supremacy to perish.
You have increased the nation, O Lord; You have increased the nation. You are glorified; You have enlarged the borders of this land. - Isaiah 26

This scripture came alive for me a few weeks ago out at Piha, the sacred west. I was celebrating my friend's birthday with a few beers, watching the sunset sink in all its brilliance beyond the horizon, breathtaking and beautiful. This particular evening was not one that I was fully prepared for. Digging my toes in the sand and watching the tide, I suddenly encountered a part of my past that I haven't seen for years. Years of having to walk through one of the darkest nights of my soul dealing with the repercussions and echoes, all of which were suddenly brought up in front of my face. So much anger, so much pain and fear. And in those years I'd had foolish hope that I would never have to come face to face ever again, but in reality I knew the time would come and when it did I also hoped to God that my reaction would be contained in Him. There was actually nothing earth shattering about this encounter. If anything I felt numb, but I held my ground, knowing that if I didn't stare this in the face I wouldn't get closure.

I was angry at God - how could He allow this to happen without so much warning, in a place that is precious, where I'd let my guard down completely? I was exposed and unprotected, and I couldn't bloody breathe! Its only now that I realise He allowed this to happen in the very place that I feel His presence intensely, that safety and liberty sometimes has to be tested, and I knew when I walked away that I was free.

So now that I've stopped treading water, I can see that these strongholds of anger, pain and fear have had their day, but One greater has wrought peace in me. I can look squarely at their faces and say 'who are you?', knowing that these things shall not live or reappear, they are powerless ghosts, this One has visited them and made an end of them, causing every trace of their supremacy to perish.

Keep you in the dark
you know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
and so it all began

Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones come marching in, again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
at your defense..

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays?
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?

I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left
I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees

So who are you?

(part-lyrics from 'The Pretender' by Foo Fighters)

buckets and soap boxes..

2007-08-20T16:58:00.000+12:00

Its Monday afternoon, just finished the art class at women's refuge, and like my mother says, today is one of those days that the bucket of tears inside my heart is dangerously close to tipping right over..its one thing to talk about how good it is champion these causes and to be involved in our community, in my case, to advocate for these women and children trapped in domestic or gang violence, but its another when the scars and the bruises are literally staring you in the face. And after staring back at that face and life, and really thinking about how those scars and bruises came to be there, a whole new reality sets in.

So I've been on my knees and now I'm getting on my soap box, as opposed to heading straight to the pub to drown these sorrows..

We read in the news about our nation's horrendous child abuse statistics, there are new cases almost daily, and we hear facts like one woman every 2 weeks is killed by a violent partner.. how can so much ugliness and darkness be found in such a small nation like New Zealand? Isn't it all so awful? Absolutely, but it isn't real until we've looked it in the eye. Its all so easy to talk about how bad these issues are, and its easy to voice contempt for these elements of society in our churches or community meetings. But for all our great 'missional intent' we're not making any tangible difference until we are prepared to roll up our sleeves and get amongst it.

It frankly pisses me off how many folk we have in the church arena who are quite willing to spout the popular theology and phrases, tell us all how Jesus would live life in our day, being a friend to sinners and working with the fringe elements, lifting up the broken etc.. yet the majority of these ones that I've listened to haven't even come close to the ghetto's or state housing areas, shelters or community projects. Ask them about their own experience and its an oddly silent response. Their shirts are still bleached white and their shoes are still expensively clean and shiny. Pardon me for my blatant judgement, but they simply haven't walked the talk, and the hypocrisy which has so angered me is now just boiling down to cynicism. If all this talk is not acted upon then it will end up only adding to the weight and burden that so many of these broken lives in the community already carry. Broken promises and hot air. We should not become an affliction with all our good ideas and lack of follow through.

My issue is simply this - it seems that the majority of christians are about making a difference in our world, which really is fantastic, yet where I live in my comfortable western country, it seems that all that is required is just a whole lot of talk to hype people up with good ideas and perhaps the occasional day-long community project. If that really is all it takes then we should quit following Jesus right here and join up with another religion. A 'feel-good' one. If its just about a few good will deeds - we could follow Krishna or become a Buddhist and pat ourselves on the back for being so nice, and then get on with our very comfortable, non-sacrificial lives. (And what a waste of living that would be).

Jesus was all about walking the journey with people, getting in the mud and mire and doing life with them. For as long as it takes. It costs and it really hurts. Its dangerous, messy and some days its almost too hard. But then you learn what love really is all about, and what selflessness means, and just how to carry a little more of Galatians 2v19-20. I've been working for 2 years in a few of these projects and I've only just got started with my learning. I fiercely love these women that I serve at the refuge centre and these gangster high schooler's that I walk alongside every day, just as much as I love any of my own whanau or my closest friends. The love in my heart is indiscriminate. I don't know how to compartmentalise, there just is no 'them' and 'us' in this love. It was only when I'd been spat on, threatened, pushed around and abused, that I began to get a bit of revelation about this journey. You know, its when you've been held onto by any number of dirty, snotty nosed kids who fall asleep in your arms, most whom just cling on because you're warm and you smell good, that you begin to feel true love and get the point of how crucial it is to walk the talk. Jesus was all about the reality of redemption. Its a dirty, inconvenient, bloody uncomfortable process. It has absolutely nothing to do with ticking the 'annual good deed' box off on the calendar and congratulating ourselves over a latte with a christian warm fuzzy.

The Mangere and South Auckland suburbs have been like a dark, hideous boil on the city's backside for so many years, this is the land of shame for so many. My determined purpose, along with others, has been to turn the tide. To see the captivity of poverty, addiction, abuse and oppression over-turned. There is so much beauty to be found in the brokeness. We miss it all in our dry-cleaned, christian existence.

We have two huge projects in my local area that are about to shut down for lack of help. One is a safe community set up to house families that have just come out places like women's refuge and are working toward their own independence, the second is a safe house for under-age girls that have worked in prostitution and are being rehabilitated. Both these projects service the whole area of Auckland and are vital to so many families, most of whom will have nowhere to go when it all closes. As for these young girls, most will end up in foster families or back out on the streets I imagine.

So I'm asking myself, after looking deep in these eyes and staring at the bruises and the scars today, where are all the people that have talked about how great it is to be like Jesus in our community? Where are all these ones with their missional intent?

The bucket has tipped over and its oddly silent.

"Behold, at that time I will deal with all those who afflict you; I will save the limping ones and gather the outcasts and will make them a praise and a name in every land of their shame. At that time I will bring you in..I will gather you, for I will make you a name and a praise among all the nations of the earth when I reverse your captivity before your eyes, says the Lord." - Zephaniah 3v19-20

mangawhai - northland

2007-07-17T16:16:00.000+12:00

after the storm..

The land is licking its wounds, still raw with damage, last Friday I stood on this beach, one part of our coast that has been lashed by storms in the last few weeks.. floods and tornadoes..and I found myself just weeping. I could have just layed down in the sand and let the waves wash over. Broken branches and debris littered all around, the shoreline was irrepairably changed. Yet I could see that soon the wreckage will get washed away, becoming drift wood, enveloped and embraced as a part of the landscape. Healing will come. The land will become whole again, but it will be different.

I was listening to some old songs and some new tunes..and it made me think of how much I love this land and its wildness. We are a small, but tough nation. There are not many places to hide from nature's fury. We often run from storms and fear the savage winds, and the survival instinct to get out of the way is not wrong, but I think sometimes in our quest for safe comfort we can miss the purpose. If God is in the storms of life then it is better to face the thunder, embrace the wind and lean into the rain, to run into the flames and not hide from them. Easier said than done. But I think its the test of who holds our life - is it God or is it our own self-preservation? What is the true cost to yielding to Him?

It made me really think about why I would even want to go there, yield to my Creator. There's no sin in living a comfortable life. Pursuing passion to a point that doesn't really threaten too much. I think the ugly point for me is that I know I would not be satisfied. There is something still louder than my flesh that cries out for more. Some days it would be easier if I could just ignore that aching, but its bloody incessant. And it only increases as the days go by. There is more than this. If everything stayed the same, if life was safe all the time, there would be no change. I would go mad with boredom in that box. God's brilliance is undeniable and my fascination with Him keeps calling me on and on..

A note: storms come in all forms. Some look like people. Lets not be too quick to judge, at present I'm trying to be quicker to pick up the mirror and look for my own tree of blindness. What does it really mean to teachable and open in heart? Perhaps there is something in another's words or action that leans on our issues that God wants to deal to. There's freedom in that. Healing can come from the strangest springs sometimes.

Come close to me, too close for words

and still my beating heart
I find Your thoughts without one glance
we're going all the way..
Tears sometimes fall upon my face
and join the oil of gladness
how can it be I've found this love
a love that let me fly..

What a friend I've found
closer than a brother
I have felt Your touch
more intimate than lovers
Jesus, Jesus Jesus, friend forever
What a hope I've found
more faithful than a mother
it would break my heart
to ever lose each other..
-delirious

Hallelujah ripped through my veins
I heard the hammer drop
My blood in the rain
Hallelujah came like a train
When all is lost
All is left to gain..
And I won't back down..
- Mat Kearney

hymn for the broken..

2007-06-30T16:30:00.000+12:00

He won't speak to her.
But she wrote him a song.
A hymn she calls it.
He's dying, she says, with a tremble in her tone.
He's got AIDS, and there's only a short time left.
There's this shaking in her bottom lip as the words leave her.
And I can't see clearly anymore.
We listen to the song and cry..
He's her brother.

Its one of those tales of complete misery. Numb self-destruction. He's been sick for a few years and his body doesn't respond to medication anymore. He is now really disconnected from so many parts of his own soul its scary, he's bitter and angry, depressed and suicidal. Its a series of lies from the dark one, damage from men, and his own selfishness and decisions that have led him to this bed. Its ugly and messy and broken. Different people are hung up on what will happen to his soul if he takes his own life. What is his eternal state going to be? Where is God right now? Where was He when all of this started? Too many loud mouth opinions are crashing around in his head already. We are in no position to comment, really. Seriously. Thats between his soul and God. And God alone weighs his heart..

I'm listening to this hymn being played out, staring at the Waitakere Ranges while my friend just weeps and weeps. I can't help but wonder if ever there was an opportunity for God's greatness, its in the midst of this brokenness. I have hope for a miracle here. It would be great if suddenly this guy lept up, healed from his disease, free from his emotional issues, and believed in Jesus..

And while that would make fantastic hallelujah-testimony material, I'm not sure its the right thing for a number of reasons. My hope and his sister's greatest desire is that he would find that perfect peace with God. Not some tacky cliche version. But the kind that takes the sting out of bitterness and pain, the kind that gives your soul rest despite the turmoil. The kind where shadows can't touch you. The kind that breathes deep hope. The kind that doesn't always make sense to other people, and the kind that doesn't necessarily relieve their guilt or affirm self-righteous opinion.

The point is that even though my friend has been cut off from her brother, and she is grieving the loss of relationship, and now the imminent possibility of that not being reconciled here on earth, she still longs for his soul's eternal reconciliation. This hymn is like a karanga, a call from the heavens to a prodigal soul that has forgotten the way home. So I pray that somewhere in this time of critical balance and the weighing of issues that his soul remembers a time long before the lies and damage of men, long before his own selfishness and bitterness..a time before he was born, when God knew him and called him by name and when he knew God and was at peace. Whether that is in life or death..

There have been hymns for me. Perhaps there have been hymns sung for you too.
Maybe we could be vessel's for God's heart to be sung through more..
and it costs to embrace that kind of sound, to be open and laid down for another to encounter true love..but some days isn't that what its all about?

"I carry a psalm for the broken
a song for the damaged
a Redeemer's coming..
He will sing to You
over you, liberty,
calling what is not, as it is to be
He calls you by name.."

haere mai Wairua Tapu..

2007-06-12T18:31:00.000+12:00

So I met this guy at the weekend who is in this crazy metal band, and I'm listening while he's talking about life and where he's come from, and how much he loves Jesus now..and he starts talking about fire and passion, and what God is stirring up and how he's started painting again, and its all new..and I went away thinking.

Monday afternoon rolls around and I'm listening to the school principal, a woman who I think schedules in the hours she will sleep because she is so mad busy..and she talks to me about what will make a tangible difference in troubled young people's lives..and its not all money - its mostly passion and time.. selflessness.. mixed with some the divine..and I went away thinking.

I'm thinking about what I've been missing for years..and whats stirring in these lives around me..

So I'm going to share a part of my story, dear to my heart..

I have an old cassette tape that was given to me in the last move of God in our land. Among my books and the writings of a firey old prophet that spoke and taught in the furnace of the move, it is one of my greatest treasures. I hold these things not as relics or icons, but as incentives - motivators to keep pursuing the Spirit. My old tape has the story of a young man that in the 90's traveled to the Hebridean Islands, a place where early last century God swept through sovereignly. They knew revival like few have seen it since, like I hunger to see again. This young man travelled there and he met with an older man who had been in the midst of that revival, and the old man talked of how he still met with his friends, late at night, when their wives were in bed, they whispered of the old days and wept. He gripped the young man and he said to him, when you find God moving like this again - never let Him go! Never let Him go!

I weep every time I hear this story, because I know that I grew up in the midst of an amazing move of God. It was beautiful and sovereign. I saw miracles and healings, signs and wonders, I saw people coming to Jesus. And then it all died away, but there was always a cry in my heart that never died. It didn't matter - even in the state of my rebellion or when I despised the religion in church, or I saw the ugliness of men and women in their selfish ambition building their empires..I would still weep because of the cry within my heart.

I unashamedly love the Holy Spirit. People either walk in agreement, or get embarrassed or get offended with Him. I will not stop asking for Him to come again, I will not stop seeking, I will not stop burning and weeping for Him..

And this firey old prophet still burns and writes and speaks. I remember him sharing with some of us on the road, while we were travelling the country in the midst of the old move, saying what a tragic time it would be if we ever looked back in years to come and talked of the 'good old days gone by'..

and that sadly, is exactly where its at.
I've sat with friends like the old man in the Hebridean Islands, and whispered about the old days. We've laughed about some of the crazy things people did to try to regulate the Holy Spirit, but mostly my heart has ached because we lost our step with Him..

But He says, the best is yet to come. And I believe Him. The best is yet to come for those who will seek Him out.

Its time that some of the ancient was re-visited by more of my generation. That paths of prayer and intercession were carved out again..that we might see what is in the heart of God to be poured forth now. I don't think its going to look like previous days, but there are secrets, prayers and cries of old that need to be re-ignited again. We need to dig deep into the testimonies, prayers and lives of those that have walked radical faith before us. The old monastic communities, revivalists, martyrs..what was it about these people that they saw God move in their time? How did they live? How did they pray? We don't need to copy their rituals and get all religious, but we need to imitate Christ in them, find the eternal thread that bound them to His heartbeat..

It is important to note that so many of us have been screwed over in conventional churches, or unaccepted in them. (We should try being the Holy Spirit sometime...). I won't let my experience with man taint my view of God. Shit things happen to good people. Absolutely. But I choose to allow that pain to lead me to Jesus. And its taken me a long journey to even get to this point. A friend of mine says, pain comes from darkness and we call it wisdom. It is pain. - Salazar and he would be right. We need to acknowledge what has happened to us, lots of us are still really busy trying to run away from our damaged hearts, and we can get all intellectual about it, instead of spiritual - because thats too hard or we're too cynical now, or we're stuck deep in self-pity, or we just try damn hard to ignore what happened - but we must deal with our issues so we are not be rendered immobile, de-sensitised to the Holy Spirit or imprisoned by our pain. Perhaps we have been gifted with opportunity to now embrace more of Christ because of these things. You can trust someone who has experienced sorrow and learnt from it. Jesus was our ultimate example. Perhaps you are in a more trustworthy state to value the preciousness of God moving, than the man who has been given everything on a silver-ministry-plated platter and never experienced an ounce of agony. Such are the wounds from those in the house of our friends..and we've all had our share of those roses.

I'm challenged more and more to let go of old behaviours, defenses and attitudes that served the purpose of helping me survive the grief in these last few years. God is clearing out the junk, so that He can pour out of His vessels again..the question, the battle comes up over and over - will we yield and let Him work? Or are we too hard? Too cool? Too sorry for ourselves? Or too bitter and cynical now?

These coping mechanisms were of profit for a time, but I'm now considering these things as loss for a cause that is greater than I. For the sake of a Man who sought me out. I want to know Him more. There is nothing too great to hold onto that I can't let go of to pursue knowing Him. I've lost reputation, I've been emptied of any grand delusions I had about ministry. I am nothing, I have nothing, I just want to know Him and to make Him known.

Whatever former things I had that might have been gains to me, I have come to consider as loss for Christ's sake.Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege, the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, of perceiving and recognising and understanding Him more fully and clearly. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish in order that I may gain Christ, and that I may be found and known as in Him, not having any self-achieved righteousness that can be called my own, but possessing that genuine righteousness which comes through faith in Christ, the right standing with God, which comes from God by faith.

The firely old prophet said to me the other day that he was tired of running, he sure did do a lot of running in the last move of God, all over our country, and to other nations too..so perhaps now, its time to fly.

I want to see Him walk amongst us more. I keep seeing the Holy Spirit stir sovereignly on the streets or in my school, but there must be more than this..when there is a move of God in your nation, you know Him like the rain - His presence is thick in the air, waking up to His voice, sleeping and dreaming Him, there is expectation in the atmosphere of the land itself, He broods over whole towns and cities..I get so bored of re-hashed christianity and its programmes - especially now I've had a taste of what real revival is like - the Holy Spirit is irreplacable..

It doesn't matter who or where we are, what we look like or what we've done. He just wants us to walk with Him now. For the sake of those who are missing from our ranks, for the sake of those who need to come back to His heart. He just wants us to weep with Him, laugh with Him, walk with Him, and not be ashamed of Him. He is not ashamed of us, He's not ashamed to set us free. So let the karanga resound from your heart,
Haere mai Wairua Tapu, Haere mai, Haere mai, Haere mai...Come Holy Spirit..

I so MISS You Holy Spirit. Our land has missed You..
we're so sorry for getting out of step with You friend..
we're sorry too that some of our people have rejected You and the truth You bring..
we're all broken, but we still cry out for You..
arise, arise, come stir the deep again..
we want to walk with You and be in step with You once more..

life in the hood..

2007-06-06T16:59:00.000+12:00

Some days, life in the hood really bites.
Like when your whole car gets stolen. Last time they took parts of it, the stereo and the steering wheel, well I guess they just wanted all four wheels today. And it wouldn't be half as bad if my favourite hobbit jacket hadn't been in the front seat! Bastards. Lord, have mercy on their souls..
One of the other staff members tells me that the last time his car was stolen from school the thieves rolled it down the side of Mangere mountain where it crash landed into the cricket pavilion. Now there's a thought. If only people like this applied their creativity to some productive and legal occupation or past time, I could almost guarantee them brilliant success..

run the race..

2007-05-25T18:45:00.001+12:00

you can win the rat race but you're still a rat.
the human race is an unfair and stupid competition.
alot of the runner's don't get decent sneakers, or clean drinking water.
some runner's are born with a massive head start, every possible help along the way and still the referee's seem to be on their side. its not surprising alot of people have given up competing all together and gone to sit in the grandstand, eat junkfood and shout abuse.

what we need in this race is alot more streakers.

-Banksy

prayer..

2007-05-17T17:38:00.000+12:00

Hebrews 13v21-22..

shadows + promised wings..

2007-05-14T20:54:00.000+12:00

Today, summer feels like its fading.
The leaves in all their hues of glory are falling in the park. Twin Oak is littered with reds and gold..like forgotten treasure. Its like these great branches that were so proud and strong a few months ago, raising their new buds of green to the sun, are now waning and the wind that moves through them sounds like one collective sigh..the shadows are longer now and the air is cold on my face..

Still, there is romance in the heart of my Maker today..
I heard it in a poetry reading at the weekend, in a prayer at church last night, He surprises me in songs whistled by strangers..

Though there is heart ache in this season, its good to tell this heart that in the midst of change, cost and pain, there is still love.

A friend talked recently about 'hallelujah', in the context of the power that resides in still giving praise while in a place of struggle and darkness. Its surrender. Yielding to something greater than the struggle. This week I've taken comfort in lifting my heart to this One that is allowing me to fall on the rock and be broken. I am His and He is mine, and tho He slay me, yet will I praise Him and trust Him.

Rightly do I love Him though I walk through the valley of the shadow..
I am reminded that it is only a shadow.

In His tenderness and wisdom, He does not deliver us out of so many situations, but IN and through them we find our deliverer and our hope..and we find His heart that is ever seeking us out..and He speaks to us..

Jesus, its in times like this that You have promised me beauty. If I just keep looking to Your face I can become more like You, if I just keep my heart in all its rawness before You, then You are greater and the shadows grow dim. For Christ's sake I want to be beautiful..yielding the familiarity of this pain to walk in Your spacious place..less of me, more of You..

Those who suffer He delivers in their suffering;
He speaks to them in their affliction.
He is wooing you from the jaws of distress
to a spacious place free from restriction,
to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.. - Job 36v15-16

And He's whistling to me His promise..

O baby don't get down
cos' I've been lookin' all over town
for a brand new set of wings
for you..

let me hear your voice..

2007-05-07T12:50:00.000+12:00

God works miracles. Every day. Its just a matter of seeing them sometimes, catching the moments before they've run through the fingers of our consciousness..

On Friday I was at school by the office and a boy came in. He has selective mutism, which means he is fully capable of understanding and speaking, but due to circumstance and in his case, significant trauma, speaking fills him with immense anxiety and fear, and he just cannot make a verbal sound. This makes it somewhat difficult in trying to communicate. So when he appeared this week, I got out paper and pencil for him to write what he needed..

But he totally took me off guard, he started to speak. I stopped everything and listened to him form his words so slowly, and very quietly, he told me a story about his family. The stress of exerting so much effort was evident on his face, sweat was pouring from his forehead. I told him I really appreciated him speaking to me, and he replied in his slow, quiet way that this was possible because I had encouraged him.

The smallest encouragements can bring down walls of the impossible for people.
I listened to Mick Duncan talk about this very thing, its not so hard to reach out.
We just have to walk toward people, its as simple as putting one foot infront of the other..
I had done nothing but walk toward this kid with a few words and smiles.
So as he walked away from the office, I was emailing his Dean to explain that he'd spoken.
It then occurred to me that this was literally a miracle.

God in His infinite greatness had touched this little life and He gave it sound. Amazing.

ritenga..

2007-04-28T22:32:00.000+12:00

I am now into my 26th year and the dream of my heart is still the same resolve I have always had since I was aware of the existence of God - an intimate awareness that I think occurred at the same time I began breathing..

I want to bear the likeness of Jesus.

These last few weeks I've found such incredible joy in discovering His likeness in others. I love that there are people all over the world pursuing this same dream. We are all living expressions of His heart.

Its no small thing, this desire. I've discovered freedom costs more than chains. Love and pain are good neighbours. And fear will do anything to stop this passion from bursting into a consuming fire. But burn and yearn we will until He comes, for His greatness is inexhaustable..

You make men out of dust
You make beauty out of ashes..
nothing is between us
the veil has been torn..
I want to be like You Jesus

psalm 23

2007-04-01T13:56:00.000+12:00

Sober reality is brutal for some people.

I discovered this in a new way today when I attended my first ever Narcotics Anonymous meeting to support a friend. Gathered in a small community room were about 50 people of all different walks, the rich and the poor all standing together to say the prayer of serenity, to share their struggles and journey's. Celebrating how long they have been clean for.

One girl in the corner, today was her first clean day. And it hurt. Pain and fear have never been more visible than what I saw in her face. She wept alot. I did too. She just needs someone to hold her hand, and for God to kiss her soul, to break her loneliness, isolation and shame. She needs peace, a safe place. These wounds that were so raw in her, were similar to the others in the room, they bore the same scars of addiction, all at different stages of their 12 steps to healing and wholeness. She's going to celebrate her journey one day, when the wounds have been healed and she's able to see how beautiful she is. Today she is walking out of the valley of the shadow of death.. God is preparing a table for her in the presence of her enemy of addiction and pouring out His finest oil and wine..

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not lack.

He makes me lie down in fresh, tender, green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.

He refreshes and restores my life, my self; He leads me in the paths of righteousness, uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but for His name's sake.

Yes, though I walk through the deep, sunless valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod to protect and Your staff to guide, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.

Surely only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord and His presence shall be my dwelling place. - Psalm 23

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference..

face2face

2007-03-20T08:43:00.000+12:00

thanks to Mike - I found out about this on your site..

I love street art. The kind that provokes. The kind that is smart, perhaps politically motivated, mostly motivated to inspire people to stop and think for themselves.

(And just as a side comment, I really, really like happy street art, some of that can be found in the wooster collective).

So check out the face2face project here..
This is an interesting concept, and because I have huge respect for artists like Banksy, this art activism really appeals. One of the brains behind lense is this guy, JR, of whom some of you may have heard of..

While I believe that it is not the answer for all the tensions in Israel, I absolutely love that these guys just wanted to do something to help the people, to grant them a different perspective. It might be my own simplistic nature, but not every Arab is a terrorist and not every Jew wants to get rid of the Arabic people. Good to be reminded of our humanity instead of demonising entire races and cultures based on whatever bias and prejudice we've got from the media, or the type of ideology that gets preached in the office lunchroom or on friday nights in the pub. I despise that sort of 'gospel'. I guess I value a genuine opinion and the real truths are discovered by those who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get amongst it, like these guys did in this project. They went to find out for themselves what this Middle East conflict was all about. And what they discovered were hearts and lives, and thats what they wanted to engage with this entire endeavour.

Awesome.

the image was borrowed from this guy who was on the frontline with his pastebrush..

message in a bottle..

2007-03-18T20:48:00.000+12:00

Summer is sinking into my skin this afternoon, there are familiar comforts like salt in my hair and sand on my feet. Dave is singing to me from the stereo about losing everything and being accustomed to the light, and its these things that are starting to form the character of my journey into this year..

"I get accustomed to the light..
and then all hell breaks loose..
in your hands I am certain,
in your hands I am alive,
in your hands I am dangerous.."

"..and you could lose everything and everyone will leave you
and you will lose everything and everyone will leave you..
I've been beneath you,
I wash your feet,
I know, I walk that beat.."

Already there have been battles and challenges that would seemingly be mountainous to overcome in a short time, and yet, there is a resolution within that beats out the cry of freedom and liberation continuously. I met a woman last year who was pretty much the futherest you could find a soul from the church door, she told me she looks for Jesus in everything, everywhere. Such is her hunger. Such is the same yearning that keeps growing in me for 2007.. I guess it is ever more apparent that we are in this world and not of it.

I have lost tolerance for so many things religious and structured by man. I am bored by carnal cleverness - especially if its conveyed from a pulpit or delivered along the lines of 'thus saith the Lord'. He doesn't. Our wisdom is foolishness to Him. My experience is literally that His thoughts are higher than ours, His ways so different..

I am finding an incredible quandary developing in my life, I belong an amazing family of believer's and every week when I get to fellowship with them I find myself loving them more and more. Yet I am rapidly falling out of love with the 'old wineskin', the old programmes and ways of doing things just for the sake of doing them. It would be foolish to forsake the church simply because that would be throwing the baby out with the bath water, we are all called to fellowship and to be a part of His Body, however, the question is what does that really look like? How big are our hearts really? The answer is not always to physically change the church and change the structure, doing so without addressing the heart issues will only result in more ugly religion. What is required is for the Body of Christ to simply get the revelation that Christ is building His church everywhere. In the tattoo parlours, in the bars and the clubs, in the gangs, in our schools and on the streets. Grant us eyes to see you Jesus, ears to hear Your voice in the street..

I approach every soul I meet with the expectation that they are all hungry for Jesus, that every person (in knowledge of it or not) is on their own journey of salvation. Some maybe a little more ahead of the game than others. This may screw with some theology perhaps, but I have found that if I can engage that hunger in a person then more often than not it provokes them to draw closer to Christ.

When Jesus walked this earth, He did so without four walls around Him. He didn't demand an ornate tower to preach from, He was born in the dust, His friends were the most controversial fringe elements of society - tax collector's, prostitutes..these were not ones He felt obligated to reach out to, He didn't pity them, they were not His 'christian duty'. He loved them all, shared life with them all.

I love that He was not an acceptable influence in His day, that religion despised Him - the feeling was mutual.
Should we not be constantly in pursuit of honouring God, like Phineas was (Numbers 25) - zealous for His honour. Not zealous for our image, or our comfort, or our programme.

Jesus was scandalously holy.

This is the revolution that stirs within me, I am longing to be the same. And however stumbling my path may be toward my prize, I press on nonetheless. He is so worth it. It amazes me that no matter how low we feel or how dark our hearts become, it is never too far for Him to call - we are not out of earshot of the Father's cry. We think we've hit the bottom - but He has been beneath us..and now He washes our feet..so that we can continue on in His journey..

I've been reading and painting about the Desert Fathers of late. These incredible pioneers. In January I spent some time away at Sojourn and had the joy of absorbing some of the teaching and spirit of one of the fathers of the move of God in our land. He spoke about these men and women who lived in earlier centuries, they would retreat to the deserts to pray. Not to hide from society, but to withdraw to a place where there were no distractions and they could then confront and contend with darkness in the world, and also worship and pursue becoming more like Jesus. It has been only a few months now but the cry for the desert is resounding over and over within me. Short of literally heading to Africa or the Middle East, I can only stand in the desert of my life, in my school and in the refuge and community I work in and cry out for a king to be made known. John the Baptist lived this out and lost his life for the cry..

The reality of this knife-edge that I'm dancing on currently provokes me daily..and I will continue to seek Him out and let this cry consume me.

He reo no tetahi e karanga ana, whakapaia e koutou i te koraha te huarahi o Ihowa, whakatikaia i te titohea he ara nui mo to tatou Atua..Isaiah 40v3.

celebrate!

2006-12-19T17:10:00.000+13:00

school's out..

2006-12-16T17:57:00.000+13:00

So school is out for another year, I've finally said goodbye to my 'babies', some being alot bigger and stronger than me. I will miss them, we've had a year of learning together. My biggest compliment came the other day when I overheard a conversation between two of the naughtiest boys in the main corridor by my office..

JT - How does she remember our names, there's so many of us, how can she even know who I am?

TW - Its because she gives a shit you dumbass.

And keep caring I will continue to do next year. I've discovered a few secrets to unlocking these little rebellious lives, I think these are the same keys that God uses for all of us. I listen alot, speak or shout little, love deeply, laugh alot and make these kids feel like they are the only person in the room when they speak. It works. Next year will hold more of these faces and lives to journey with.

I think its important to know what your heart burns and breaks for. We can never under-estimate what a gift encouragement is to another person. We hold life within, I think sometimes we forget the power in that, there is always an effect, always, when someone comes into contact with the divine. it is not so much effort to pour out, it doesn't cost us to smile or extend a hand, it is not always too hard to speak hope into someone's soul. It only takes a moment. And we have been granted lots of those.

I am remembering now that this is the loneliest time of the year for so many, so I will take the 'moments' that I can gather when I'm shopping, or walking down the street, or standing in the pub, and smile and extend a hand, and speak hope where I can. Perhaps a little more living water will flow in our streets and homes in this season..

rained out..

2006-11-04T13:36:00.000+13:00

I found this cave at Tawaharanui on this stormy day when the heavens were wide open, pouring out rain and revelation for thirsty souls.
this was one of those days full of divine moments I wanted to hold onto..being soaked to the skin in the rain..seeing dolphins in the bay that had followed us around the coast..finding hidden spaces, treasures, like the caves and finding my peace..

How great is our Creator? I love His might and beauty, its like He bares His soul to us in these places, daring us to do the same, to let go and to leap into His realm..to find Him. I imagined what it would be like to see His hand cover over us as we sheltered by the cave and see Him walk by..
He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea...-Job 9-

Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said..

I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels shouted for joy?

Who shut up the sea behind doors, when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?

Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?

The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment…

Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?

Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings?..

Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew?

From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?

Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons…Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?

Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens?
-Job 38-

We got rained out
You and I
with our toes in the sand
hiding under a cave
by the sea
the waves wash over
I see your eyes open
and the rain comes down
over you
I see the skies open
drops of heaven falling
and release pours out
over you..

aru - to pursue..

2006-10-29T16:43:00.000+13:00

These last few months I have neglected to post. Not for lack of wanting, just the fact that there have been so many thoughts and things happening…
I find myself encountering the literal GREATness and BIGness of God in so many places…
this has caused me growing frustration with the smallness of man and our limitations in trying to contain our God within an institutional form...

So here are some thoughts, even as I write them, they are still pretty raw and unformed...but my intent as always is to pursue this Man, Christ, and to find Him in the midst..

a few months ago my church asked the very important question, ‘ what is church?’ and began to explore this by inviting the thoughts of people inside and outside of the congregation..

I think this was a bold initiative; we needed to hear opinions different from our own that would offend our minds to reveal our hearts. In this process two friends put together a documentary of interviews with folk from all walks of life and opinions. I introduced them to a sister of mine, who is one of the most precious people I know. She loves Jesus intensely, yet her lifestyle of currently being in relationship with another woman, means that she has not been accepted in churches.
A brief point on homosexuality – it’s not a lifestyle that I personally agree with, but it’s not something to ostracise people from church for. In my experience most people who are homosexual have areas in their life that require healing, not condemnation and judgment. I wonder how many people walk through any church door on a Sunday with sexual sin in their lives – and if everyone knew, would we have the same pharisaical response toward them that the religious church has toward homosexuals today? It’s not about right and wrong so much as it is about life and death. We must pursue life – being Christ - in these areas. Note that He did not turn the woman caught in adultery away, or throw stones at her, He didn’t justify or tolerate her actions, He simply spoke to her life and said, ‘Go and sin no more’. Not because she was evil, but because her sin was killing her, and He desired to give her life. How can we find a way to be pure grace to these ones and be a part of something that creates a place for the Holy Spirit to set them free?

So, in asking and questioning the purpose of church as a whole, it created some controversy, challenging the status quo of whether we exist for our own comfort or whether we as christians, exist for something bigger than ourselves. It has begun a process for us of learning and 'renovating', we are not the same and can't turn back - which is awesome. But what do these questions and this journey mean for the whole church - worldwide? And by that I mean what people acknowledge congregations and denominations to be, (my personal definition of 'church' extends far beyond four walls of any building or affiliation with any particular group). How can we put into practice, as christians, this intent to live for something bigger than us? I'm not sure, the more cynical part of me asks - is it just about new words and phrases to mark this latest church trend? Is it that we become ‘missional’ in our mindset only and then set up an overload of programmes to try to inspire us? I find the structure and the implementation of so many ‘good ideas’ most frustrating. This is an immense topic, lots of people have tried to address it from so many different angles, most heading down the emmergent church vein, and it is becoming more and more obvious for those itching for change, that the church around the world is in the process of discarding an old wine-skin so to speak, and in search of taking on a new one.

My heart is wrestling with so many questions, frustrations and wonderings...
Why do we set out to say so much? Why do we plan so much?
Why is it that with all our planning and talking we are so blind to the steps of Jesus in the strangers that are just outside our door right now? Why can’t we hear Him in the clubs and on the streets or just see Him in the tattooed face of a man or the smile of a prostitute?

I find myself so disillusioned with so much talk...I am far from perfect, so unless I can offer a better alternative, I acknowledge that all my thoughts are simply bordering on unhelpful criticism. But I am concentrating every day, looking for His face, waiting to extend His hand to someone or speak a word...it is so much more simple when we take all of our own big-ness and important-ness out of the equation.

The only inspiration and motivation to reach out can come from Christ alone. If we want to be missional – it must come from a heart that desires His compassion for people around us. Good ideas are not enough. They haven't saved the world in the last 2,000+ years and we are beyond wasting time on them now. We need to have a purpose that is carried by the spirit of God, compelling and spurring people on in their faith. Out of that place is birthed deed and action. The very starting place for any person or group of people wanting to find out what the purpose and action of church must become, is prayer. It bears note, that at a recent event I attended, where people were avidly discussing and pushing forward new ideas for forming a missional focus for their community – their prayer-room was empty for most of the time. This is not a rare occurance in so many places unfortunately.

Prayer – the very essence and communion of our existence with our Creator.
In the Psalms, David is translated as literally saying. 'I prayer'. We cannot divorce our life in Christ from prayer - be it individual or corporate. E.M. Bounds says, “Non-praying is lawlessness, discord, anarchy..”, prayer is our lifeline. Why would we want to build or pursue anything in His name without sweet communication?? We risk perpetuating the mistakes and tragedies of history, again and again. We need to have our ears to the ground to listen for where His Spirit is moving. I am sure that any action less humble will cost us too dearly in this time we are in. In all our initatives, excitement and exploration, perhaps our greatest purpose is to be earnest in the seeking of His heart? So simple and so easily forgotten in our corporate rush and institutional routine..we can't forget that life is to be directed heavenward. Our prayer and seeking out these developments must be directed heavenward. Out of that fire and connection flows the mission and action. We can't put the 'doing' before the 'seeking'.

'Talking to men for God is great, but talking to God for men is far greater' - E.M. Bounds.

spring..

2006-09-05T18:30:00.000+12:00

I love living under the shadow of this hill..

talking to the cows, taking photo's of the spring daffodils, finding kids from my school hiding up tree's and contemplating life by my gate looking over the city..
Spring is a good season, it has a sweet scent, it is a season of promise.

This is where I find myself on this journey.
Sunday was Father's Day, and I felt like every word spoken at church was just for my soul.
My generation needs to know the Fatherhood of our heavenly God. For whatever reason so many have a dented view and have been robbed of knowing the love of good Father.
And as it is with the natural seasons, so it seems to be with spiritual seasons too, I feel like it has been a season of dismantling the hard armour and walls that helped me survive winter, washing away the coldness and having new life breathed into my heart. God is so kind.

You may remember me talking about this season I've been in and so many other's around have been experiencing here..
For some the term 'deliverance' has more weighty connotations than they care to mention, however its always been quite simple to me. We have this ridiculously real enemy who most people forget about, and scripture speaks of him being like a lion roaming around to seek out who he can steal, kill and destroy. Sometimes this enemy gains footholds in our life through pain and trauma. And in my case my soul had been screaming relentlessly without release for so long I'd grown deaf to it. Sunday was the day for freedom and I got it. I experienced God's greatness in His hand reaching down into the depths of my being, seizing me for Himself and breathing in life, and as it was I literally screamed out the pain and the darkness.

It is often the strangest thing that people are content to relate to someone who has demonic strongholds in their life (however well hidden) and the moment they are freed up, people around them are intensely uncomfortable and unsure how to deal. So they don't. That is the tragedy.
I make it a point to rejoice when I hear someone being set free and to tell them how stoked I am that God has given them hope.

For the most part, we are not comfortable around deliverance or even talking about it. Some people have swung too far into 'demon-hunting' or sit on the other end of the pendulum in thinking that nothing evil really exists. The middle ground at the moment is to acknowledge that the supernatural does affect people's lives for better or worse, and if deliverance occurs for people around us its tolerable - but dear God, don't let it be me. I simply do not understand if we are spiritual as much as natural why these things are so uncomfortable or so difficult to come to terms with? for the sake of foolish pride and fear why would we remain in darkness??
In pursuit of purity and light it is better to forsake all of these things that entangle and hold us back. To have courage to step up and let God do as He must in the forgotten corners of our lives. So I gather that the process to gaining freedom should become more of the norm, something to walk through with people. Isn't that what family is for?

And so it is I find that my deliverer has come for me.

sacred sorrow..

2006-09-03T14:40:00.000+12:00

In the last week one of my closest friends, a sister, has been struck by the sudden grief of her mother's death..
peaceful and unexpected. It has been a time for reflection of life and our view of death..

I wonder how does our 'western-ness' perceive grief and sadness?
her husband asked the question today - why is a 'good' funeral one that you managed to hold yourself together through and a 'bad' funeral one where you go to pieces??
why is it that we are afraid to show such raw emotion..??
especially in the aftermath of the passing of one who we loved so deeply..

sorrow is a foreign land to our christian mind..it lies beyond our comfortable borders of happiness, peace and joy, the things we deem as being hallmarks of a good, stable christian life.
If we see these things as our only path to connect with God then I believe we have missed His heart.
There is a lost language of lament that so many of us fear to discover..but He promises us that He is in this deep valley..

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him, that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognising and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection, and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death, in the hope that if possible I may attain to the resurrection that lifts me out from among the dead.. - Philippians 3v10-11

..the point is that we might know Him. And isn't this the greatest pursuit of our lives??
It is more ridiculous to expect on our journey of discovering this Man that we would not encounter pain and suffering. If He cannot carve the depths of our hearts with sorrow like His own, how can we really expect to know how His heart beats and is broken??
I desire to become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, to perceive and recognise and understand the wonders of His person more strongly and more clearly..if this means discovery by a path less travelled, so be it. People say, ' be careful what you wish for'..my wish is to know the beauty of Jesus as fully as my dim-looking glass reflection will allow..
Lover's know joy and heart-ache, its through both experiences that hearts are inter-woven.

A hei runga i a matou te ataahua o Ihowa, o to matou Atua..
may the beauty of the Lord our God rest upon us..
even in pain and sorrow Gracious King, even in the valley.

involved..

2006-08-16T19:28:00.000+12:00

today I went along to see this and had a great old time here.
my friend travers has put together this fabulous collection..
I love that art + movement + faith + community are all colliding in a beautiful way.
God is so creative!

this work was at the show today, its also on the wall outside the 'involved' store in the central city.
I discovered it quite late one night, and it instantly reminded me of God's heart for our city.
Isn't language amazing?
So many people walk past these words everyday, this promise from the King of heaven is read by many souls who need to connect and know that He will rebuild their broken world..
So simply profound.

TMD..

2006-08-14T14:22:00.000+12:00

super congrats to these cats who have cleaned up at the Write4Gold World Championships in Germany..! Aotearoa is cutting edge in our arts + to have done so well on the international stage is proof that there are some great things cooking in the south seas..
for those of you who are as 'white' as me, and don't know too much about the forms of urban, contemporary street art - have a lookie at disruptiv's site and get inspired about some of the homegrown talent + the influence kiwistyle is having around the globe..

The TMD crew were as follows - Phat1, Exist, Ryze, Deus and Disruptiv's own Askew.
Results outlined below...
Sketching:
1. Italy
2. NZ (Deus)
3. Germany
Tags:
1. NZ(Askew)
2. Czech
3. Germany
Throw ups:
1. Italy
2. USA
3. Belarus-NZ (Askew)
Concept Walls:
1. NZ (Phat1, Exist, Ryze, Deus and Askew)
2. Germany
3. Poland - USA
Final Results:
1st Place: TMD NZ
2nd Place: Germany
3rd Place: USA

today is 24 Tammuz 5766...

2006-07-20T21:10:00.000+12:00

I have just spent the last 2 hours in the largest synagogue in Auckland. It is the base for a huge Jewish community and tonight we had a service of prayer for Israel and the current crisis.
Today it is good to be reminded of the scriptures in Romans folks.

"Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved."
- Romans 10v1

The Western Church has part of a very big picture, we know a Man who has given such hope and change for our lives that we cannot imagine it any different. Yet we are totally missing the journey of discovering the great mystery that is the Jewish people and Israel. In this hour, we can no longer afford to be ignorant or apathetic. We must gain understanding and most importantly, show our solidarity with God's people. Jews in Judaism know God and love the Word, they treasure it, memorise it, cherish it in their hearts - "B'libi l'fatzi imrate'cha l'man lo et'cha"...(which in my poor Hebrew spelling says - "In my heart I have hidden your word O God that I might not sin against you" - Psalm 119v11).. over the centuries they have bled and died for this Word and their God, whose promise was giving them the promised land prior to giving His only Son. This land is not separate from them, it is a part of their identity and existence. Similar to our Maori people in Aotearoa. Again, something not all christianity or the western church is all that familiar with, but something that is vital for us to understand.

We know in John that is says,

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.
In him was life, and that life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it...He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.
He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.
The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth." - John 1v1-14

This is why our Messiah, Yeshua, was the Word who became flesh, he embodies all that His own people treasure and cherish. When I looked at the Rabbi and the people gathered around tonight, I saw how deep their love for their God and the Word is..engrained in their very beings. Can we say we love the Light of our world, this beautiful Man, as much as they love the Word??
When we live like we do love Him this deeply, we will provoke these beautiful, God-fearing people to jealousy and desire to be whole in discovering Him too - as per Romans 11v14.
Our King was born Jewish for a reason. Heritage and ancestry is not emphasised in our culture or our churches, but it is everywhere in the bible - geneologies of who begat whom, and even the first part of the gospels is taken up with Jesus' family history. The Body of Christ is NOT a modern, replacement of Israel. Infact, 'replacement theology' is convenient farce that the enemy birthed in anti-semitism and is now embraced by many a church pulpit. Its ugly and needs to be consciously uprooted from our lives. To understand our faith, our Messiah, who we are and our destiny, we must understand Him in His fullness - that is as a Jewish carpenter, King, Son of God and Israelite. God has not forgotten His people, He has not done away with them. Now is the time to stand with them in prayer and in our hearts cry out for their peace.
"Pray for the peace of Jerusalem. May those who love you be secure"
- Psalm 122v6

A 16 year old boy spoke tonight with incredible passion for His people and His land. He opened His speech with the bold declaration, "I am a zionist"..and realising that I have left my heart in this land, I am glad to say that I am too.

"If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its skill.
May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth
if I do not remember you,
if I do not consider Jerusalem
my highest joy." - Psalm 137v5-6

Shalom, Shalom Yerushaliyim..
Baruch Haba B'Shem Adonai..

my deliverer is coming..

2006-06-27T19:09:00.000+12:00

It appears that this is a quite a lengthy season of God's dealings to the past for so many. In between the tears I am beginning to see glimpses of His hand breaking us all free. The biggest thing I've encountered thus far is fear. And I loathe it. Fear was never in God's vocabulary when He first thought of our existence. And yet I feel its vice-like grip strangling me in a life that used to be so free. My tolerance has well run out for it though, and I know deliverance is coming.

Abuse is such an ugly word, but it is a reality for many. I despise the victim mentality, we are who we are, shaped by the choices we have made to respond to situations and circumstances. I chose not to be a victim and yet I'm angry at allowing fear any place in my life, and I'm angry at the actions of men that have brought me to the point of feeling like a caged animal. I hate what they have done.

Learning to fear God rather than man is the biggest hurdle and yet one of the greatest keys. I am firmly convinced from my experiences now that no man can own me, and this world cannot tame me to bow to its mould. Perhaps all the trials and testing were worth just once ounce of that certainty.

Even in the most violent storms of growing up I learnt it is better to swiftly forgive and choose love, let God take care of the rest. Evidently I missed some of those 'swift' moments. I know that there is nothing gained by holding bitterness in my heart, I don't want to harbour resentment or seek revenge like so many have said I am justified to. I know that I have darkness in my heart too, I desire forgiveness as much as I need to forgive these men, and 'utu' belongs to God, He works out his justice for us all. I don't care for apologies, I would never ask for one and I don't think that it would help anyways. What I desire most is change in those that have abused trust, simply so that no other soul has to suffer at their hands.

Today I have hope. He has put my tears in His wineskin, and one day He will turn them into wine.
He has sent from heaven and brought me salvation in this place - love and faithfulness, and He will fufill His purpose for me. Lord knows, only He can grant beauty for these ugly ashes, love for pain. I hurt and hunger and I know only He can satisy.

I let these anthems ring out
Anarchy’s song
To bring you down
Lay waste to your empire walls
You made it all so material
But I will overcome..

re:quote

2006-06-08T13:58:00.000+12:00

I believe the correct and complete quotation for the quote from my Ma is thus:
Never bury your past alive, it will come back to you the same.. - Mamma Gee.

After some careful contemplation, this thought can scare some people to the verge of paranoia. We can't imagine anything worse than re-living the past again, and the same. We've spent so much precious emotional energy and time just to get away from it. So to these precious souls and indeed to all of us, lets get out the hammer and nails today. Lets take off the rose-coloured glasses of justification and rationalisation. Lets open the doors deep within and let His light shine in. Now is time for these burdens to be laid to rest at the foot of the cross for good. We are not doomed to carry this heaviness forever..we were made for more than this..

Who needs the shadows any longer? Who needs the panic and the weight?

What a trade! Beauty for ashes! The end result of this awful process is only to become more like the Son..is that not what we long for? Courage my soul and grace, grace to you today. Do you not know how loved you are?? How longing He is to be with you, and to remove these things that stand in the way of being face to face with you?

It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love..

What does it mean in this place to be loved with the full extent of His love, to the last..?

No, said Peter, You shall never wash my feet.
Jesus answered, Unless I wash you, you have no part with me..-John 13v1,8-9

See He is coming now like the servant with water to wash your feet, to cleanse you from the dark places your soul has walked..will you let Him serve you? Will you let Him into the depths that you might have true companionship?

grant me that sweet kiss of honesty..

2006-06-01T16:38:00.000+12:00

all my life I've been holding my breath, but now I'm breaking free..
- Bart Millard

it appears that I have neglected for a few weeks to note down various thoughts and life events that have been happening, often rocketing full tilt and disturbing the equilibrium..possibly for the better..sometimes its just too darn early to tell.

I am often too hard on my self, I have a habit of analysing my actions and reactions in such a way that it would be difficult to pin blame on any other soul. However unhealthy the extreme of this may be, I think it is better to have a degree of self-awareness that requires one to own actions and remain responsible. So with this thought in mind, I have spent many months soul-searching, and over the last few weeks being gently prompted by the Holy Spirit, to take a long hard look at a few dark corners. The past is never something you can bury, my mother says, because you bury it alive and it will come back to you, somewhere, somehow. Wise woman. And now, I don't want my past buried, because I cannot forget it, something won't allow me to. I cannot change it. I just want to know redemption.

discrimination, such an ugly word. Most of us understand the concept and know that its wrong, but it is different when we have actually experienced it. The sting of this in my own life a few years ago was the final push that propelled me spinning into the most dangerously rebellious phase of my life. I didn't lose my love for Jesus. Ever. But I rebelled as hard as I could against the church that had marginalised me as a young female leader. Thankfully God led me out one day (another story with the point being I never left when I was the most bitter), and now nearly 3 years later even when I am still finding echoes of anger and rebellion in my heart, I know now that the dealing and sorting out is a preferrable road to walk when one is being led, as opposed to when one is running on their own.

I ran into all sorts of scary situations and circumstances and I kept running. Literally nothing scared me. I numbly did not care. I didn't care what jepoardy I put myself in or what effect my behaviour had on others. I didn't care if I was judged further. And I was. Like most of the young people and women I work with today I had been disappointed by every significant man in authority or leadership in my life. So when the scales tipped, my cup ran over with years of resentment and anger. I channeled it all into a serious season of wild, risky, carelessness. I look back now and see how God preserved my life on more than one occassion.

So what can be done when suddenly I find myself on the brink of today's threshold, new and exciting, and yet I find that I wake in the night wrestling the shame of all my yesterday's..
I see myself in the light of truth. I am honest with myself about the state of my soul's condition. I would hide away if I could, but I would rather run to heavenly father and hear Him say, 'theres nothing you can do that will ever make me love you less'. Rob Bell told his son that, and there are thousands of us that need to hear the same. Proverbs 24v26 says that 'honesty is like a kiss on the lips..' and if we were all truly honest with ourselves, our reward would be so sweet. I'm not sorry for my rebellion, because I really liked breaking out of the limitations and expectations that had put on me, putting the ire in the religious fire so to speak. I am sorry for the unintentional damage to my loved ones, because even in my wildest moment I never wanted inflict pain like I'd been dealt it.

I returned from a hui yesterday, where I had done some thinking about this. We had a time of worship and prayer on Tuesday morning, we were overwhelmed, moved to cry for the prodigal sons and daughters who had been written off by the Body. Dave Garratt made a fantastic point, in the story of the prodigal son when he returns to his father's house, the older son is totally unimpressed. And he is right to be. This one returning has squandered his inheritance and dishonoured the family. However, this broken prodigal is repentant, there is nowhere else for him to go..so he is coming home. The church as we know it, is like the older brother, we have looked at men and women who have 'fallen' in ministry and judged them. Our judgement is right, but we have not softened our hearts to them even when some have been truly repentant. We must show mercy, if we also desire mercy. God knows the darkness in our hearts as much as anyone else's. We are not called to judge, we are called to help them in their journey home. And if they are not repentant, we still have to ask for the grace and love to cover..

I have found that my journey thus far has only given a greater grace to walk with others who are struggling..
even in our weakness and our darkness the Father still calls us lovely, drawing us to Himself with kindness to bend our knees and break our hearts toward Him. In the midst of this wrestling and healing, I am finding my true freedom. It isn't at the cost of others, it isn't because a man gave me permission to be free, its at the cost of me letting go and embracing truth. Christ's blood that paves my way is permission enough. I will only keep on seeking this One who is Truth..

Pak 'n Save redemption..

2006-05-15T17:47:00.000+12:00

It is not easy for you
to turn your head
I see you shuffle
limp toward me
awkward and painful
in the midst of the crowd
all the faces and confusion
they do not easily accept
your outer broken form
they do not see their inner
disfigurement,
you turn to lift your smile
bright from your heart
to greet me
you do not know me
yet your simple beam
made me feel like a princess
and I am grateful

If you know me, you will know that I can't stand Pak 'n Save supermarkets. For all their fabulous savings and wine sales, I find their dim yellow flourescent lighted atmosphere the most depressing. Perhaps its because the particular one that I go to is full of pensioner's and beneficiaries struggling for just basic survival. And there is always one soul that will break my heart. I can start at the fruit and vege section fine, but upon reaching the wine section at the other end, I am a completely undone, I have often just managed not to sob out loud for the last three aisles and am in the process of begging God to help me hold it together at the checkout.
So go to another supermarket you say - ahh..the logic of the common man speaks. I would, but convenience is currently winning out over emotional stability. The entire experience would be avoided if I didn't have to go there at least once a week to purchase the necessary for Food Technology at school. Unnamed quantities of greens - lets just say that I emptied their lettuce stock this morning. 20 blocks of butter, 15 litres of milk, 10 loaves of bread, 8 trays of 36 eggs and kilo upon kilo of meat. Ah yes, try explaining to the wide eyed checkout operator that you're lactose-intolerant and that this is all for a school. 'Bollocks' is written across their forehead as they politely nod and smile.

So thank you to the impaired Pak 'n Save trolleyboy for arresting my day with your perfect smile.

its the small things..

2006-05-09T16:41:00.000+12:00

for many years I have appreciated the artistic comedy that is edward monkton..

dancing my salvation..

2006-05-05T15:46:00.000+12:00

every once in a while we can be startled by something so unexpectedly beautiful and amazing.. I was taken on a surprise journey yesterday by a show that captured my heart. I went with 50 Dance students from school to watch a performance by Touch Compass Dance Company
which choreograph and write performances that include mixed ability dancer's. It was amazing, thought-provoking and beautiful.

I am a firm believer that disability is a state of attitude and mind, and if someone is less able-bodied it is an impairment, and they are no less qualified to do and be whatever they want to do and be. An impairment doesn't make someone stupid. A prejudice (disability) does.

I watched in awe as people danced with missing limbs or in their wheelchairs or read a monologue piece from their view with Downs Syndrome. There was something so free about watching them perform - what stops us from doing and being what has been placed within our hearts? what stops us? There was nothing missing from the energy of these performances. I loved watching the passion of these people in their movement and the way they interacted with each other on stage. This challenged any preconceived idea I had about perfection. One woman has formed her own production company for film-making and her first short - film "Beauty' was shown yesterday. She is physically impaired, but nothing has stopped her from showing the grace of her movement. True beauty is not held within the confines of the media or on a run-way or in a ballet rehearsal. It really does come from within.

There is something in dance and movement that brings freedom. I think I caught a glimpse yesterday of God rejoicing over us all in that theatre.

I'm bursting with God-news!
I'm walking on air
I'm laughing at my rivals
I'm dancing my salvation - 1 Samuel 2 (Message).

sigur ros live..

2006-04-19T20:21:00.000+12:00

courtesy of photographer bae..

language..

2006-04-18T16:25:00.000+12:00

big ups to dave who writes many a song that gets stuck in my mind..

my hands are tied
I could be a victim
when my tongue won't move
you have it tied with your heartstrings..
when I needed you most
I couldn't find language
when I needed you more
I couldn't say a word..
my hands truly tied
I know I'm a prisoner
when my tongue wouldn't move
you have it tied with your heartstrings..
when I needed you most
I couldn't find the language
when I needed you more
I couldn't say a word..
one day a heap on the ground
next day I'm so proud
today I don't know..
your hands are cold
that's why I try to contain you
now my words are cursed
ember from the ashes..
one day a heap on the ground
next day I'm so proud
today - I haven't got a clue
feels like a river of tears
today I'm gonna dry these eyes..
when I needed you more
couldn't say a word..

-dave dobbyn-

the beauty that was..

2006-04-18T15:50:00.000+12:00

Easter being a time that so many people run to tradition, eat too much chocolate and too many hot cross buns, get sore from sitting in a church pew and wonder about the relevance and reality of our Saviour’s death and resurrection..

Yet I always have this crazy desire for God to pierce my heart with something new about who He is and what He has done..and so far He has managed to do this unconventionally around this time every year..

Easter was truly summed up for me in a theatre on Monday night..infact there really are no words to describe what I saw and felt and was impacted by..but I'll share some of my heart's thoughts, in all their rawness.

Darkness, the hum and hush of whispered expectation from a large crowd, anticipation thick in the air, a seat in the balcony amongst hundreds of others.. revelation was waiting for me..waiting for me to sit, listen. Waiting for all of us.
Amina and then Sigur Ros took to the stage..

I knew He would speak..I felt Him arrive when the sound first erupted from behind a screen with shadows and lights.

I saw Him run through the soul of a man who does not recognise His face (but his heart knows..)
I heard the sound of His voice blaze out in hopelandic..

I will look for those who will worship me in spirit and in truth..(John 4v23) He says over and over..
what stops us? what holds us back? are we so precious about what others think?
I watched this group of people on a stage, becoming vessels for the sound and pouring themselves out past the point of comfort and beyond into freedom..
This Man who gave His all for us, whose blood was not shed in an orderly, comfortable fashion, His resurrection wasn’t on some blessed programme or convenient schedule. This Man who is soon returning..
do we not have something to burn for, give for and abandon all for?
He looks and He waits, He seeks us out..

As it drew to toward the end, these souls who had lept off a cliff of sound and light with such passion and allowed us to spread our wings for a few hours, left the stage..we were left gazing at the spent instruments..

I felt like my soul had been kissed.
I had been given a precious moment, to savour, treasure and turn over in my heart’s eye.
I am still contemplating and processing and listening..last night altered me for the best.

the intolerable..

2006-03-30T19:52:00.000+12:00

tol·er·ance

n. 1. The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.

2. a. leeway for variation from a standard.
b. the permissible deviation from a specified value of a structural dimension,
often expressed as a percent.

3. Decreased responsiveness to a stimulus, especially over a period of continued exposure…

This particular word irritates me much. It climbs under my skin like a politically-correct parasite. It rings in my ears from political speeches that fall from the world stage, its found hiding in the dusty corner of the small local newspaper in my letterbox, its shadow lurks in the light of my television screen, and its biased sound bleats from my radio (sometimes)..

Lack of religious tolerance is blamed for civil unrest and violence in different places. Lack of sexual tolerance is blamed for oppression and discrimination. Infact any issue in the world today can be apparently sucked into the all consuming politically-correct filter and spat out as malfunctioning because of the lack of tolerance. The one thing that is intolerable is intolerance. And this is what most Christian groups are famous for.

As far as I’m concerned there are and always will be absolute truths.
It doesn’t take an intellectual genius to figure out that various laws or truths found in the natural world are often repeated for the necessary in our own life. Gravity. Light. Water. All of these things are vital to existence and life. Regardless of man forming and creating his own environment, there are still some fundamental elements. Like truth. God’s truth. Regardless of man forming his own belief systems, and politically correct environment, God’s truth still exists. Funny that, maybe its because He’s God and its possible for this almighty being to exist outside our own sphere of comprehension. So, the ‘black’ and ‘white’ will always exist in our world along with every other colour of God’s truth.

But what is it about tolerance that so grates?
Its not about proving the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ on any issue. I’m over bible-bashing idiots whose only purpose is to beat their ‘right’ point into every other soul they meet. Its really about the danger in the complacency of accepting tolerance as the only acceptable way to respect others. It has nothing to do with respect. It’s a slow numbing of the soul to any truth, it will steal your ability to express your heart towards others. If I want to show my neighbours (who hold different beliefs to me) that I respect them, I have them come round to share a meal, I want to get to know them as people. I don’t just ‘tolerate’ them.

Apparently tolerance is akin to virtue and a praised aspect of character..
It is none of those things to me..
It is not patience.
It is not kindness.
Most of all it is not love.
Tolerance is not going to change the world.
It’s a grey, sterile, embracing and encompassing of everything, all beliefs and lifestyles.
It sickly does nothing to challenge people for change, healing and freedom.
And that is what I find so intolerable about tolerance.

Why not dare to just love?

what stops us??

2006-03-28T17:51:00.000+12:00

this appeared in my letterbox the other day (impressive, as I signed up for this randomness only a matter of days prior - and then this parcel reached me at the ends of the earth in a surprisingly quick fashion), a bright coloured envelope containing stickers, a photograph and a clue to a part of an interactive mystery by the regulars..

strange - yes, odd, they are odd..with photo's of various characters and stereotypes in gas masks...but even so, there are a few of us who are now a part of this unfolding interactive mystery experience - an experiment in random global connection..slowly putting together the pieces of our puzzle..

perhaps I just think too much, but there is a question on the top left corner of the photograph - what stops us? and its been rolling through my head ever since I opened the letter..something to ponder in the daily grind..bright envelopes, mysteries, photo's and stickers - a little out of the regular, and I like it.

onetreehill

2006-03-14T18:34:00.000+13:00

shine on..

2006-03-14T18:00:00.000+13:00

So U2..due to play this weekend, are packing in the shows here til November..not to worry, they are coming back..and besides whose gonna cry when Sigur Ros are just over a month away from gracing our fair land with their presence..!

I was listening to a radio interview with Bono today..
it churned me to think about the concept of fame itself..

Bono was asked about what makes the 'U2 magic'..
he defined it as more chemistry than anything..something happens when the four of them play..(which is the essential thing for any great band, one of the defining points between the below-average and the best, so sought after - not often found)..he also reckons if God didn't turn up and walk through the room they'd be the worst pub band in history..(so humility must be another key ingredient..but there doesn't seem to be vast quantities of that in the music industry today either)..U2 spent hours when they were young watching bands who looked better and played better than they did, but these other bands all lacked 'it'...and according to Bono, 'it', is the only thing U2 have..

I think thats all that matters right?

my thoughts on fame are simple. It isn't something to be desired or sought after, it all looks like a complete pain in arse to be honest..paparazzi and scandal, gossip and hassle..and too many pairs of sunglasses..if one has a great desire to be rich - there are other ways..and if one has an unfufilled need for attention or recognition - get help..fame is not the answer..

I was thinking about that little guy thousands of years ago on a hillside in Israel, holding out his lunchbox, giving up his fish and bread for the thousands of hungry souls around him..he wasn't some rich man with enough cows and sheep to feed everyone..he was just a child that offered what he had..his motivation was the Man he saw - and his gift was multiplied..

So..what is 'it' then? Is it the moment that conviction in your faith kicks in, love breathes out, your knees are weak and your voice is strong? Is it that sudden moment when God illuminates one's soul to shine brighter than before??
Quite possibly a myriad of things..

Today wherever we are and whatever we are doing ladies and gentlemen, we have the opportunity to shine. None of us carry the exact same gifting or talent..its not about the illusion of fame, but its that we can bring change and difference in ways that are not possible by any other soul on the face of this earth. Just give and watch what happens..

whats in your lunchbox today??

fear + petticoats..

2006-03-04T21:07:00.000+13:00

the saying is 'do something at least once a day that scares you'..
which is great if you are scared of lots of things.

In honesty there is not alot that I am afraid of..(and that fact either makes me a staunch tart or stupid, perhaps the latter as I don't think I'm all that tough..)
until this moment, this week.
I encountered fear when I stood up as a 'petticoat' with two friends and sang in the first live gig I've been a part of in a looong while..every fibre of my brokeness was screaming to run away in my country dress and hide. But I have this friend who found me in a dark corner, swept me out of it and dusted me off, spoke kindly to me and then pushed me over the edge so I would fly. It worked.

I aso tried to pick up a book that I recently purchased called 'Sacred Sorrow'..
the lost art of lament..our true journey in worship..
I love books. I devour them whole when I read, but there was so much that was exposed in my heart just by picking it up..I've been putting it straight back down.
I was truly afraid of the echoes of the cost that is to come in the pages of this book.

I looked at these moments and found that they are all connected with the journey, my thought is simply this..that still after all this time, its not about my pain or struggle, its not about whatever chains may hold me down or whatever fear that may try to strangle the notes out of my vocal chords..it is all about One man, Christ. Over and over Philippians resounds within me...I count it all as loss compared to the surpassing greatness that is to know Christ Jesus...and I must know Him. It is insane how loved we are, how much He desires to see us free and healed, but gracious, we are here for a purpose, and its BIGGER than all of us.

There is no plan B, no nest egg, no person, no organisation or earthly comfort that we can rely on. The only certain things are Christ and eternity - when all else is stripped away.

There is nothing to fear except the One who gives and takes away Life. And its Him I have courage to pursue. I choose to run into the storm.

my respect, not my submission..

2006-02-23T16:11:00.000+13:00

a few good points following on from the communication post..

This excerpt is from an article written by Flemming Rose, entitled 'Why I Published Those Cartoons'. Rose is the culture editor of the Danish newspaper, Jyllands-Posten that first published the controversial Mohammed cartoons.

"On occasion, Jyllands-Posten has refused to print satirical cartoons of Jesus, but not because it applies a double standard. In fact, the same cartoonist who drew the image of Muhammed with a bomb in his turban drew a cartoon with Jesus on the cross having dollar notes in his eyes and another with the star of David attached to a bomb fuse. There were, however, no embassy burnings or death threats when we published those.

Has Jyllands-Posten insulted and disrespected Islam? It certainly didn't intend to. But what does respect mean? When I visit a mosque, I show my respect by taking off my shoes. I follow the customs, just as I do in a church, synagogue or other holy place. But if a believer demands that I, as a nonbeliever, observe his taboos in the public domain, he is not asking for my respect, but for my submission. And that is incompatible with a secular democracy.

This is exactly why Karl Popper, in his seminal work "The Open Society and Its Enemies," insisted that one should not be tolerant with the intolerant. Nowhere do so many religions coexist peacefully as in a democracy where freedom of expression is a fundamental right. In Saudi Arabia, you can get arrested for wearing a cross or having a Bible in your suitcase, while Muslims in secular Denmark can have their own mosques, cemeteries, schools, TV and radio stations.

I acknowledge that some people have been offended by the publication of the cartoons, and Jyllands-Posten has apologized for that. But we cannot apologize for our right to publish material, even offensive material. You cannot edit a newspaper if you are paralyzed by worries about every possible insult.."

I located this through a recent post from the infamous jacob morse, well worth a read.

this woman..

2006-02-18T17:51:00.000+13:00

i spent some time listening to some quality teaching on wednesday night by a man, frank viola..i'm still processing and the more i dwell on different thoughts - the more intense the message becomes in my life..
i thought i'd share a few notes and ponderings..

the question is asked - who is this woman?

i love how there are parallel paths between the old and new testament..
to find out the answer we have to go way back to the beginning of the story..with adam.

the Lord God said, ' Its is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'...

but for adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep;

and while he was sleeping, he took one of the mans ribs and closed up the place with flesh.

Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man.

The man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man.

-genesis-

all of creation was formed, the animals, the sea, the heavens, night and day, adam and yet it was still missing something..on the eighth day she arrived..she was eve.

she was bone of adam's bone and flesh of his flesh. they were not separate with some sort of vague equality between them, or one being lesser than the other..they were one.

mankind was not formed with the single purpose to get saved, we were created to be the expression of the image of the invisible God.

eve began the story of this woman..and many other women like ruth, naomi, esther, deborah and mary continued to weave the threads of the story through history..

until it came to Jesus time on earth..

He was the second adam and He, like the first, had a precious pearl on the inside of Him which required Him to be put into a deep sleep (for three days after a severely, brutal death) so that she might be formed..

pentecost arrives and she appears, so hypnotic and attractive, so magnetic that three thousand strangers were drawn to her beauty in one day!

she is the expression of the image of the invisible God.

she is the body of Christ.

she is bone of His bone, flesh of His flesh.

she is one with christ..and He is in love with her.

her beauty was so powerful that it angered the religious..saul rose up in persecution against her..yet the Lord spoke to him in the height of his journey and said, 'saul, saul why are you persecuting me??' - note, He referred to this woman as a part of Him, she is indistinguishable from Him..the marvellous mysteries of God!

and the story continues to be woven through history until now..

where we see that this woman is so neglected, her face is on every page of the book, yet she is not seen..

we are all a part of her, the day is ever drawing nearer when her lover and king will return for her..

we are weaving her story..and one day we might wake up to see that we are the expression of wild, enviable, attractive beauty - the image of our invisible God in our time..we are indistinguishable from Him..

so what will it cost to share her story in our time i wonder?

i like the fact that she is not restrained by man's (human) expectation, that she's revolutionary. the best stories are true ones..

in the words of a good friend..'embrace hope, hope in grace, and grace the sister of change..'

for Christ's sake i want to be beautiful..and by His grace we will become this woman that He longs for.

its all in the communication..

2006-02-14T10:14:00.000+13:00

com·mu·ni·cate
v.tr.
1.to convey information about; make known; impart
2.to reveal clearly; manifest
3.to spread (a disease, for example) to others; transmit
4.to have an interchange, as of ideas.
5.to express oneself in such a way that one is readily and clearly understood
6.to be connected, one with another

i am fascinated by communication..and today i confess my geekery..i like to read, infact i like to read ALOT..i even worked as a librarian for a while - as my good friend Craig can verify, we were the youngest, and quite possibly the loudest, most enthusiastic librarians ever..my career may not have lasted too long there, but there is something insanely attractive about libraries and secondhand bookstores..i have loved to read since before i could walk..the power of communication is one of my passions..so i get really amped about good writings, peoples expressions and i don't care if their opinion differs to mine..

there's alot in the news right now that buzzes around in my head and is food for prayer in my soul..

this article is particularly interesting on the topic of the current islamic unrest over the now infamous cartoons.. i have a number of muslim friends and i have yet to ask them what their opinion is on this whole topic..

these are just some of the thoughts that have been running through my head today, they are by no means conclusive..

what amazes me is that so much of the retaliation and reaction is toward seemingly, unrelated groups in society..the danish dairy industry are paying a heavy price, jewish and israeli groups are also being targeted...why get angry at cows + cheese and print cartoons about the holocaust??

those who published the cartoon have formally apologised, so if islam is a forgiving and tolerant religion then surely a formal apology that has been re-iterated around the world would suffice? or not..it makes me wonder what the muslim media and the mosques are telling their people..for surely a peaceful religion would want to advertise itself as such?

in publishing the cartoons, the newspapers were trying to communicate a point..
in responding, many muslim's are also trying to communicate.. (i wonder what would happen if christians took offense to the thousands of cartoons about Jesus??) and to be honest, it seems abit like a shot in the foot. noone can proclaim peace and tolerance and yet have vast majorities of follower's acting in the precise opposite manner..

now not all muslim's are volatile, certainly not the ones i know, so this is not about finger-pointing or trying to prove what belief is better, christianity is fraught with its fair share of violence and unrest, its really all about the ugly spirit of religion..(the movie 'Kingdom of Heaven' depicted this well in all its vile glory)..it has no claim to any particular belief system or any one god, it thrives on division, chaos, confusion and intimidation..and watching it now manifest namelessly through the news is exceptional..

so as i often do when looking for what might apply to life here today - i am asking myself, what is the message of my life to others? how much religion do i have in my heart?? what price will i pay to be free of it? muslim, christian, hindu, buddhist, whoever..should all ask the same..

i believe there is only one answer.

and as dave says, we should all 'lay down our darkness'..

i want to dream in hopelandic..

2006-02-13T11:36:00.000+13:00

62 sleeps until one of the most epic live worship events ever..

Legg upp í göngu
Og tölti götuna
Sé ekk(ert) út
Og nota stjörnurnar
Sit(ur) endalaust hún
Og klifrar svo út.
Glósóli-leg hún Komdu út
Mig vaknar draum-haf Mitt hjartað, slá
Ufið hár.
Sturlun við fjar-óð
Sem skyldu-skrá.
Og hér ert þú...
Fannst mér.....
Og hér ert þú Glósóli.....

i'm counting down..can't wait to hear the sound of victory's rose on easter monday..

missing piece..

2006-02-06T20:19:00.000+13:00

today was my bro's swan-song to piha..the last ride for a looooong time...the lucky lil' turd is off around the world on the next phase of his own journey at the end of this week..stoked! what we all would do to get on the next plane out and go somewhere!! ..so this is a shameless plug for his small corner of cyberspace - missing piece.. (you will indeed be missed boss)..on with the pilgrimage and watch out for strangers..

onward...

2006-01-29T14:52:00.000+13:00

a few weeks back i was standing on a ridge in the midst of the Crown Range lookng over Queenstown contemplating the journey and what this year might hold..in the last few weeks i have spent much time in a valley, on my hands and knees in tears, dust and ashes, wrestling + finding freedom, serving those who live in darkness to bring light..

and i am not the same.

i was in awe that God had set His heart toward us, completely amazed at the strength of His desire to meet with us and reveal Himself - deeply humbling..as much as we uncovered and delved into His truth, He totally pursued our hearts..and the ones we were sent to..

there is always a price to pay for each step and i am finding that out..

one of the key parts of this journey is relationship, it was the fluid, beautiful medium that allowed the Sojourn gathering to contain the intensity of God's truth and revelation..our relationship with each other and with Him..

at times it was a turbulent fray..in the midst of the glorious mess i discovered new friends for the journey as the days went by.. but God is not predictable and His ways are ever higher than my own..and for a time it seems that some with whom i walked a significant part of the journey so far are not as close..at first i was confused and upset..but there are ebbs and flows in every natural thing, day + night, the sea etc..so the distance is not a bad thing for now, i know its all part of His plan, but i will still ache in my heart for a time..sometimes when you love you have to let it go, and perhaps His grace and truth will cause our paths to cross once more..

and once again i find that this journey is not about me and my own comfort, its all about Him...only more and more worth it with every step.

citylights

2006-01-28T19:20:00.000+13:00

i'm waaay past exhaustion, i think i left that somewhere in the trail of dust behind me in last few weeks...
but i'm so amped! there is something revolutionary happening in our nation right now and it began with an event called citylights..

i have been priviledged enough to be involved with this..a few months back in October last year a group of us got together and dreamt abit and prayed..and this week in January 2006, some of those dreams were put to action and some are yet to come...

"City Lights is a gathering of friends, motivated by the love of Jesus, standing up to serve. We are a generation tired of feeling useless; longing to live out the grand words and loud songs of our Faith. We are ready to pour out our lives in simple ways, embracing the broken places of society. This is our shining moment to show the city what we stand for: grace, hope, love. This is what our worship looks like."

i had the opportunity to go into a women's refuge centre with a team and take art classes and paint furniture and kids toys etc.. basically beautify what was weary and old...i fell in love with these women and their kids, they kinda just climbed into my heart...we put on a gourmet bbq lunch for the women and staff + gave each of them a bouquet of flowers and made them feel special, my heart skipped a beat seeing their faces when they received their gifts, they are so precious.. so i'm going back next week to continue onward with this journey, because it wasn't about doing a good deed for the year, it wasn't about getting attention or accolades, it just wasn't anything to do with me, it was everything to do with being jesus' heart, hands and feet in my community..His heart hasn't stopped beating so i won't be stopping either now.

So let's go outside, where Jesus is, where the action is - not trying to be privileged insiders, but taking our share in the abuse of Jesus. This 'insider world' is not our home. We have our eyes peeled for the City about to come. -Hebrews 13:13-

+sojourn+

2006-01-26T22:37:00.001+13:00

who has the words to sum this part of the journey up??

all i can do is weep when i begin to try to fathom the depth and width and height of God's love and truth i encountered in this short space of time..

the generosity of the vessel's out of whom God liberally poured His revelation and truth was astounding..you poured yourself out like drink offerings..spending yourselves for the kingdom..jay+erin, trent+bron, ferg+saj, marc+katie, cindy, mari, patrick, frank, ruby+mic...you are such beautiful souls - many are your treasure's in heaven..you inspire me to run ever further in this race, to trawl the depths of God's truth and to express it - take it to the streets..
how can we settle for less? comfortable is so boring!

i loved that i met so many amazing like-hearted people from around the globe..precious friends in the states and uk..we share this small part in the epic God-story of our time - what a priviledge!

so let the sojourning continue..we press on for the prize..isn't He gloriously worth it??

"mother of pearl is my poetry..."

2006-01-12T17:08:00.000+13:00

george nuku

this man is a Maori sculptor, carver and rangitira (cheif). He has been gifted with opportunity, his work is world renowned, he has been the subject of documentaries featuring his moko tattoo, his carved mother of pearl pendants adorn the models of the world's top fashion houses, he has invitations for exhibitions all over the globe, his latest one will feature in England in May with curator's from leading and well respected galleries attending from throughout Europe.

Yet what sets this man apart is his humility. Its been a long time coming..this meeting, I sat across from him in his studio this morning in complete wonder. Years ago I was introduced to george watching his documentary on his moko. I knew then that I would eventually meet up with him, and it would have to be miraculous. It was. He is currently working with approximately 100 young people that he has gathered or have been referred to him from the streets or social services. He teaches them art, but installs in them worth and hope, a sense of dignity. The very same passion I have for the young lives I work with.

I know that there is something so divine, we are trying to figure it out, but only time and God's hand will tell..

"...if anyone asks, I am fluent in the language of mother of pearl..."

photo courtesy of national geographic

question of faith..

2006-01-10T18:00:00.000+13:00

I have been lying on the floor of my new studio space watching the gathering storm start to rain outside..we are a few days into 2006, the hope I have within is bright, I have great expectation for the journey this year..already something seems so different..it smells like the rain - all fresh and unexpected.
I have been pondering the life of another new zealand painter and his influence..it is said that true art often reflects what is happening in society, it speaks to a culture. Colin McCahon's (1919-1987) work is unique to our nation..his landscapes and scrawled prophesies and scripture..there is debate of whether he was a christian or not. I'm certain that no person could paint in the way that this man did and not have a revelation of Christ. He was not conventional in his faith, he questioned everything, drank alot, wrestled with theology, but his exploration and interpretation of the gospel message and what it means are still speaking to our country decades later.
Art enables is to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time - Thomas Merton.
I remember my first Colin McCahon exhibition at the Auckland Art Gallery at the tender age of 13. I was amazed at the way everything flowed, like he had painted exact images of his thoughts. There is powerful communication in true art. I found myself getting lost in the conversation between the colour and my soul. I wept infront of one canvas that he had painted depicting his response to Christ saying to the one of the thieves on the cross beside him, 'This day you shall be with me in paradise', Colin had simply painted 'and you..and you..and you'. Suddenly in that moment the veil between art and the divine is thin, the path for any person to take Christ's offer is paved by this simple revelation, whether they are a student, critic, millionaire or 13 year old girl. All the same. Art should be a bridge to the divine, it should speak to a persons soul.
I wonder what he would paint today if he were still alive?
I wonder too, what part of my Saviour's heart I can try to capture on canvas today?
I guess its a question of faith..

rima tekau ma toru...

2005-12-30T19:52:00.000+13:00

waaaaay back at the beginning of this blogging-madness in post 'rua', I mentioned my friend who had just told me that she was pregnant. At that stage she was a mere 3 months and still had 6 months to go...her little bundle of joy arrived really early via semi emergency c-section on 18.12.05 (or as Liz terms these things 'a tidy slash and grab'!) many thanks to the dad-to-be, who the night before Theo's arrival, threw an absolute shin-dig in the hospital room, and had all 8 of us present downing glasses of red wine and eating pizza to celebrate...far out, I was soooo excited! this family are amazing, and so like whanau to me. This event has been long anticipated...its going to be awesome to watch this lil' guy grow. No matter what people think, birth is such a miraculous process..I've watched Liz's tummy knowing that there was this tiny life being formed, we all wonder what this kid will be like, what his personality will be like (if hilarity and humour is hereditary, he stands no chance of being boring and subdued)..

Theo Matthew RobbMarkham.
What an absolute blessing - you are going to be such a delight to everyone around you little man!
Isn't it wild to think that its been only a short while since you were being formed by the hand of God in the secret place?
Welcome to our world.

twothousand+six..

2005-12-30T11:59:00.000+13:00

we are on the brink of 2006 already, how did this happen so soon and where did the year go?? It has been six months since I embarked on a life changing journey, rediscovering old truths, finding new ones on the ancient paths, letting go and laying down to accept the wero my saviour laid down for me.

Standing on a ridge in the Crown Range mountains just out of Queenstown I had quite an eerie feeling, knowing who I was a few months ago, and now a little further on standing on these familiar mountains but seeing that there is a long, long road ahead. And it all just keeps getting bigger - the journey, the miracles, the cost, and so far I cannot put into words the wealth and (sometimes painful) worth discovered in such a short time.

I sat on a park bench with some friends in the early hours of Wanaka sunshine yesterday and had the discussion about new years resolutions. The idea of making them is great in theory, but years of practice have taught me that acheiving all of them is not entirely possible..

I've resolved that I won't ever be a spaceman and that Narnia is not in the back of my wardrobe (gutted). But there are other things..I would like to be more merciful and less judgemental, I would like the eyes of my heart to be more enlightened so that I can lose my pride, I would like to be more generous, kind and less selfish, I would like to be more wise..I simply desire that Christ may increase in this life and that I may decrease..and as we all discover as time goes by, the cost to live this desire is everything..I won't trade this journey, the price paid is worth it all - even when it seems such a small gift for the One who gave us eternity with Him.

thanks ma for sending the 'letters to God'..i think elliott and i are on the same page..

emmanuel..

2005-12-24T19:48:00.000+13:00

Christmas Eve...
its a night to remember. I am sitting in the early twilight, reminiscing in the balmy weather of the South Island..unusually HOT..and I am so not complaining..I used to love this night when I was kid. We got to stay up late to go to the midnight service, eat mince pies, watch the 'Snowman' movie..there was always a thick aroma of expectation in the summer air..Christmas meant family time with all the extended whanau plus various waifs and strays, presents, lots of backyard cricket and sunburn, and general hilarity. Although some of this has changed over the years, it was for these reasons I loved Christmas.

I have a question that I ask every year..Is it wrong to really strongly dislike santa?? Noone can convince me that he is anything good. Especially when year after year some sick individual insists on putting up that huge mechanical santa on Queen St, with his winking eye and beckoning finger - it just spells out, 'creepy old man'. Ewww. I was thinking more on this when I found myself surrounded by hundreds of santa figure's in one of those houses with all the christmas display lights, you could walk through this place and look at every single elaborately decorated room..no sign of a nativity set, but plenty of freaky little statue elves with red eyes. What was more disturbing was the 4foot tall santa in the corner wearing a black robe..it was all a lil too grim reaper-ish for my liking..
now St Nick I can understand.. but how does any of this relate to Jesus' birth???

So, tonight I'm headed for the midnight mass. It doesn't actually matter to me what stage of the year Christ was born, be it this part of the western calendar or another part of someone else's calendar, it is the simple fact that He was born and He came for us. This son of God..I'm humbled as I read of Mary and Joseph's travels in the gospels and then Jesus' birth, being laid in a manger.
How would we receive Him? Would we have gifts ready for a King? How do we receive Him into our lives now?

One of my favourite little people in the whole world is a boy named Jack. He is 3 years old and see's amazing things. The first time we met, I was in his mother's lounge feeling very, very low. This wee sprite climbed up beside me and stroked my hair for a long time saying, 'its all ok beautiful lady', with his fabulous lisp. He is one of the few kids that really gets Christmas. I listened to him pray the other day with absolute wonder. His simple faith inspired me, he knew he was being heard in heaven. He reckons that Jesus would have been a boy like him and that Jesus would have liked trucks and diggers for Christmas too. Why not?

In going to the service tonight I want to capture some of that childlike faith in my heart. Family may not be what it once was, but when all is stripped away...

Emmanuel - God with us..thats all I want.

respect

2005-12-16T18:19:00.000+13:00

its been a long time coming, but finally...

www.revivalstreams.com appeared in my inbox today..

and I am stoked!

Big ups Pete! I have deep respect and love for this man of God.
I'm just a wee sprite starting out on the journey, but Pete has been a hugely inspirational and influential figure in my lifetime so far. Its amazing that my generation, so often enamoured by the bright lights of the world today and all is gadgets, will sit captivated when this man, an older prophet from another generation, speaks. It makes me laugh, as young people we generally think life totally revolves around us and that God's will won't happen if we don't do it.. we're not even close..

The greatest thing about this guy is that he is raw with the reality of Jesus.
Christ's testimony is alive and well in this man, and thats what I encounter when I read his books or hear him speak.

so have a lookie and let the winds of eternity in these words rattle your bones.

slow lane

2005-12-12T12:21:00.000+13:00

Life was good when it slowed down this morning. After a failed attempt to cross Auckland to a prayer meeting, I found myself back out in the early morning eastern sunshine, sitting on a concrete block with a scotsman asleep on my shoulder (incidently he is in management at Mercury Energy - so I had a word about the fireworks and santa on Saturday night...*sigh*) and a few hundred other people patiently waiting for U2 tickets..

I found myself listening to the birds, feeling the sun warm my skin, embracing the solitude..there was a whole lot of soul-goodness in the few hours I spent sitting and waiting. It is good to wait. We are such amazingly impatient people, nervous of silence..and altho my waiting did not result in gaining a U2 ticket at the time, I was quite stoked, peace and solitude are priceless..

good news is that Bono will still be playing in my backyard! many thanks to a friend who is exceptional in his technological skills and wired up a computer that could dial the ticketing phoneline precisely 45 times per minute until it got through to an operator. O-for-awesome indeed.

So here is to taking the slow lane for the soul today..my grandad always took time to smell the roses and take in the colours of his hibiscus flowers..I'm taking the time.

i love sunshine..

2005-12-06T16:37:00.000+13:00

Simply because it is summer, because its too hot to paint outside anymore,
and because I liked the words in this song I thought I'd share...

Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.
Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.

(thanks Mary Schmich for your thoughts...)

magical moosik...

2005-12-05T11:28:00.000+13:00

My obsession with the nightsky continued indoors on Saturday night as I sat enthralled in the mystical Civic theatre, with all the clouds and stars that drift across the ceiling. I felt like I was sitting in a darkened wonderland listening to Warren Maxwell (a.k.a Trinity Roots and Fat Freddy's Drop..) and Little Bushmen, and then Dave Dobbyn, weave their magic, and it was... amazing to watch people who have the same prophetic passion and posession..music, sound, rhythm just overwhelms their every movement and expression..I guess this is a part of any live gig that can't really be captured or recorded. And I so loooove live gigs...

Monday was also the day for U2 tickets to go on sale. Bruwynt! Apart from one nasty problem. Scalpers. Life is not fair and these selfish bastards made sure of that yesterday. Who needs a 45c stamp or a bic pen or a lollypop or even a staple and a free U2 ticket from TradeMe for a grand or two?? I listened to my irate colleagues yesterday who had the red mist descend sufficiently enough to have googled these TradeMe sellers to locate their addresses. Hmmm...I think the phrase 'sleep with one eye open' would apply.

Anyways, as for me, I'm happy to camp out on Sunday night and wait for the next 32,000 tickets to go on sale...

someone stole my letters...

2005-11-28T14:00:00.000+13:00

Yay!! This is ridiculous fun...

you can squiggle crazy pictures with lots of other people from all over the world...or you can play with all the fridge-letters...

go wild!

http://www.lunchtimers.com/games/letters/letters_720_450.cfm?roomid=room1

and the Lord your God is One..

2005-11-28T13:15:00.000+13:00

It began like ripples in a pond, ever increasing circles of thought, discussion and revelation. An undying passion for seeking out this Man and purifying this heart...Blessed are those who are pure in heart for they shall see God – Matthew 5. Then the painful dilemma's of a friend's heart.. another conversation on integrity and freedom for our generation in today's world. And then my strange ponderings of it all in light of recent readings about a boy king in ancient Israel, how he had been one of the few kings in his time to have torn down the pagan high places, as well as the asherah poles, and destroyed the temples with their prostitutes and priests.

So, I have this dear sister who has had a series of love-affairs this year, each one with higher stakes, promising so much and then crashing down with more fall-out than the previous..from the outside many wouldn’t think twice about her lifestyle, young, attractive, successful woman, obviously enjoying the social scene and all its ‘opportunities’…and yet, there really is a shadow of question over it all, she is still so unsatisfied. And its her heart that I care for, how much of will be left undamaged?

Wonder what does a young, vibrant, successful woman's journey have in common with a boy king in ancient Israel? Simply that they are connected to One person, this Man, who at one point in their lives, be it now or in the past, was the only person that held their hearts.

And it came to me, this sudden thought, with startling revelation as I stood in a bar on High Street one night, after spending time thinking about my dear friend, thinking about my own life's decisions, thinking about the people around me..this phrase rolling through me..He knows the secrets of the heart..do not prostitute what has been promised to Him alone..piercing my heart.

We prostitute our hearts and even our giftings to gain what? Acceptance, appreciation and admiration?? Is it because we want to be socially acceptable? Who is the Giver of all things good? Who are we centred on?? So many questions...and the answers are simply not all found in other human beings..

Men and women alike. I see them all around in the bar, I see them in the street, in the church. Some flirt and promise here and there, give a little away elsewhere, then wonder why life is slightly hazy and grey. The 'sweet' fruit of our actions have not lasted..and O, our senses are abit dull..except for the inevitable shadow of denial and under-lying possible regret, doubt, pain, shame and guilt, sin…its in their eyes. And tomorrow will be just the same. Where is the line and how far is too far?? I wonder just how far can we press to be close to the Son forsaking all distraction that may lay claim to our affection inbetween..

I'm not for a moment suggesting that as christians we despise all personal freedom, ban liberty to choose whats best for oneself, put up a force-field of personal space, stop smiling and wear a uniform..

But I am asking the questions to challenge heart motivation for why we do, what we do, when we do.

Like my dear friend, so many will tell me that this is a part of being ‘young’, and so many relationships were just really good friendships…totally harmless. And many are and many more may be, but many are not and experience tells me that issues concerning the heart are not often meaningless and undamaging.

If God had a ‘Tui’ billboard what would He say to so many harmless ‘good’ friendships?

So what about the One relationship that really matters then? The One person you'd do anything for?
Or are our hearts really that divided??

There was a day long ago that a boy king in Israel heard the heart of His God written in the tablets of the law. He was distraught that noone had read this to him earlier. He wept and travailed in repentance, his land was far from the heart of God. And then he acted. He took to the high places of other gods with a sword. He took to the pagan altars with fire. He did what no other king before him had done. He ruthlessly cleared the entire land, for it belonged to One God. Not to some or a few, but ONE and Him alone.

Hear O Israel, the Lord your God is One God…
I must have none but Christ..

I’m pondering all of this in light of what I have had to learn and am learning in my life. How many area’s have I prostituted in my heart? What are the high places of SELF in my heart that need to be taken down?

So its time to get brutally honest about the state of the heart. Who and what hold our affection's? I guess denial is futile...

Its a good day to take down the high places and come like Mary to the feet of Jesus...

For I desire not to be singularly commended or beloved for that appertains only unto God, neither do I desire to be entangled with any creature, but simply to be pure and free within.. -Thomas Kempis

thanksgiving day..

2005-11-24T11:30:00.000+13:00

thankful..
O this week..
is nearly over..
*happy sigh*
its thanksgiving day for all our american brothers and sisters today. This particular holiday is not particularly relevant to us here in Aotearoa, but I thought we all have something to be thankful for..so I have been doing some thinking..and compiled a list (which is by no means complete..) on what I am thankful for these last few days..

*truth and freedom are for the hungry not necessarily the able and competent..
*life: my cousin's newborn baby overcoming the odds - I hope to see the little one soon, you know it wasn't that long ago that he was with the Lord in eternity..I'm glad that he will stay and share some of that joy with us..
*good whanau, good friends
(and muffins that support blind kids) *compassion for the young lives that I work with..tears and laughter that mean there is life..
*prayer, communion – words are not necessary, just open hearts and listening ears..
*good books with words that still live in my heart and dig deep when I wake up in the morning.. Prayers of Life – Michel Quoist, and The Jesus of the Poets and the Prophets
*blue skies and summer coming..
I am reminded of this in the park, my favourite park. There are flowers growing in the wild grass, dandelions, buttercups and daisies, and sweet hope in their company. I am simply romanced by my Creator standing in their midst. I want to be like them, turning my face to the Son. My English friend tells me that these are meadows and that England has many..
*dancing barefoot at the beach – the only reason why sand feels best between your toes..
lord, sometimes this well does not spring so naturally, its gets all blocked with stones of need, pain, injustice and bitterness, business and distraction..remind my heart, remind me there is always much to be thankful for..this life that is not my own, knowing and loving you is always more than worth the cost..

remote..

2005-11-18T17:31:00.000+13:00

why do i wait for you
out of sight
out of mind,
i wait for you
by the thin veil that separates us
i am the replaced one, so
why do i care what you think
or pour myself out for how you feel
why would i change myself to fit you
when you give me nothing but
fragments of love
tiny scraps of emotion
which i bleed dry in my memory
and try to paint colour into them
with my heart
why do i hope for you
relentlessly
do you even hope for me
why does it cost me so much
i know i am a fool
and surely you know too
yet you will never tell
you just delay my fate
for one more day
with empty promises
that i wish i would not believe

Quite the nostalgic day...even as I write this Jars of Clay’s first album is lamenting from the stereo, the last rays of sunshine are pouring into my lounge and I can still hear the traces of building on a site just up the road, where I was surprised to see a friend of mine that I haven’t seen for so long. The sound of that hammer and those nails…

It may sound strange, but there are a few people in this world that whenever I encounter them, I am left with an ache in my heart that even hurts physically. Today was one such day, and one such encounter. You’d think that after years I would just get over myself and these ones who used to be so close and are now so far away. Evidently not. My conclusion is thus, that I still love, and for whatever foolish reason I cannot stop.

Why is it that we can often never recall detail quite so vividly unless it is associated with intense love or pain? Its quite a grief when you’ve grown up with someone for a significant period of your life, shared so much, developed a deep bond and love, and then one day it is broken and cut for a thousand different reasons – not one of them remotely worth letting go of the friendship shared.

Today when I saw my friend at the building site, we spoke like there had never been a day out of sync, never a moment that we hadn’t cried. It was his way of just dealing with it all, swept under the carpet. Why is it that we never talk of the elephants all round us?
Perhaps it is because I knew you so well that I don’t want to cause you anymore pain. Perhaps there are too many years to unravel between us…perhaps the bitter truth may be that I care more than you? Somehow I doubt that when I see in your eyes all the things unsaid…and all we want is resolution.

“It hurt me, Lord.
I felt something torn,
Something unbalanced,
Like a mechanism gone wrong,
Like a man with broken bones…

It is not easy to love, son...to love is to meet oneself, and to meet oneself one must be willing to leave oneself and go towards another…Loving hurts, you know, son, to love is to crucify self for another.” – Michel Quoist.

And so I still love.

sweet! I got skills...(& work boredom)..

2005-11-11T09:34:00.000+13:00

You are Napoleon Dyanamite and a buttload of gangs
are trying to recruit you.

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
courtesy of Craig (aka Deb!) (Thanks Craig, soooo looking forward to seeing all the flair you have with your dreds in a side pony tail...hehehe)

apology to the brown-shirt-guy..

2005-11-04T16:07:00.000+13:00

I'm sad today that I did not do for one what I so desired others to do for me once.
I walked down Jervois Rd and he walked past me, this tall guy in a tailored brown designer shirt. I heard his soul immediately, his shirt caught my attention and led me to look to his tear-stained face and into his weeping eyes before he turned his head away in shame and strode on. Everything in me wanted to run after this complete stranger, to take his hand and speak to that soul that was yelling and begging so loud that I couldn't think straight. But I stood transfixed on the spot. When I eventually turned to look, he was gone.

I cried all the way home because of my ridiculous hesitation, my sudden fear of what he would think if I actually engaged him in conversation. I'm appalled at my selfishness! This coming from one who is happy to help the homeless guy out at the supermarket, or hang out with the social outcast on a parkbench in town and buy him lunch. What was it about today that was any different?? This man was outwardly wealthy, but his soul was as poor and destitute as any other..

I pray that should there be another opportunity I will forget myself..that I would run to catchup and take your hand, cry with you and tell you of the hope that can be yours..Sir, my sorry will mean nothing to you, because you do not know me, you do not know what I saw and what I heard in you. But I am sorry for being yet another person who has let you down. There are many of us, broken vessels, no better than you, we are not perfect, but we have this hope that never fails us. I am sorry for not sharing my bread of truth with you today, even when I heard you scream for freedom. I know this Man that has scars on his arms like you do, and He got His to give you life. Not existence, not bare survival, but His Life worth living. He is divine, timeless, King of the universe, the Creator of all, and He knows your name, its written on the palm of His hand, He has dreamt of your Life before you were even formed..He knows you, and I pray that God would have mercy and that you would encounter Him and His love despite my failings as a messenger..

These ones are the reason why we do not live for ourselves..O to be poured out..

today is 28 Tishrei 5766..

2005-11-01T22:00:00.000+13:00

today reminds me that summer is coming, today the sun is out with prelimimary heat, today the colour of the sky reminds me of Jerusalem..

we who are called to the ancient paths
have forgotten
you
Yerushalayim
the sun's shadow is not the same elsewhere
the light does not fall in other lands
the way it does here
your stones are warm
with ancient caress
and thousands of tears
your air thick with incense of tradition
yet your streets still echo
my saviour's
footstep
as if it were yesterday
your desert storms bring hope
your wilderness still calls for
more to prepare the way
to dance in the rain
to ache in their hearts
and never forget
you..

I only have to close my eyes and I am there again, the passionate tension is electric, alive in the very air. I hear it in the church bells at sunrise, the mosque wailing over the temple mount. My hands on the smooth cool stone of the prayer wall, I can smell the dust and sand in the air warning of the impending desert storm. I can hear the prayers and singing of the Orthodox men to my left as they sway under their prayer shawls...this land, this place so dear to Christ, is now one of the greatest forgotten mysteries of the modern, western church. Forgotten to the point that so many have 'replaced' Israel in the bible with symbolism of the form of church as we know it today. Ridiculous that such theology would even be deemed credible..have we not read Romans 11?? Do we not know the branch that we are grafted onto?? This land where the essence of our faith was born..how can we say we know this Man and yet not know His place of birth, culture, and people? How can we love this Man and yet not know His heart..??

As I look into the sky today, from my park bench at the ends of the earth, I long to go back to Zion and reclaim my heart..so til then Jerusalem - Baruch haba b'shem Adonai..Bo, Ruach H'Kodesh..Bo, Ruach Elohim..

Ye'varechecha Adonai v'yishmerecha
Ya'er Adonai panav eleicha vihuneca
Yisah Adonai panav eleicha v'yasem
l'cha shalom..